Not Just a Season

Tradition has been a huge part of my family over the several years since I have moved out here in Port Alsworth. We of course do our tradition of watching Home Alone 2 together each year at midnight my time. This has been to include me in family time with everyone back on the east coast. It’s always been full of laughter and such joyous memories. For the past 2 years Kyle has been apart of this tradition.  I know tradition can change. Going through the first seems to be the hardest but I know this will get easier. The gaping hole will begin to be filled in. A new normal tradition will be kept and we will watch Home Alone 2 again this year. We will get our candy canes, eggnog, Christmas tree, and every other Christmas movie we can find to watch. I look forward to it yet I dread it. Mom is here with me and for that I am beyond thankful for her. It will be strange to not have Kyle here but I know that it is becoming more of a norm now and I want to embrace all the feelings and new normal in my life.

This year for Thanksgiving I will go play football like I always have. I will hang out with friends. I will enjoy the moments with my mom. I will still watch Home Alone with my family. I will put up the Christmas lights Kyle bought last year he surprised me with. I will remember the time we spent last year together. I will be Thankful for all the many blessings the Lord has lavished upon my life.

However, it’s hard to not acknowledge the empty holes I feel. There won’t be a man to tackle during 2-hand touch football ;) There won’t be my favorite man to throw me a touchdown like last year. There won’t be bickering with Scott and trash talking each other (in the most friendly way possible.) There won’t be Zach to be silly and joke around with. There won’t be a Kaitlin to laugh and play games with. I look back at last year and I distinctly remember spending quality time with Kaitlin, Josh, Kyle, and myself playing a drawing game for over an hour. Zach came to join in and we all laughed so hard that day. I held Kyle’s hand as we all stood in the Blom’s house going around sharing one thing we were thankful for before we prayed. We prayed and sat down to eat. It just felt so right and absolutely amazing to have each other. It was family. Kyle and I were family even if there wasn’t a piece of paper to prove it. We truly loved each other and we were excited to share it with those around us. I am thankful for the Bloms and how they opened their home to the teachers each year. It was a beautiful Thanksgiving. It was one for the books. It just means this year is going to look different.

None of us had any idea of what was going to happen 2 weeks from then. I know that I would not have changed a thing though. There is just a big hole and I am feeling it. This season has many ups and downs not only for me but also for so many other people. I know that I am not alone. I know these next two weeks are going to be some of the hardest for me. I am trying to brace for it, take it head on, yet here I am trying to avoid it all at the same time. I don’t want it to be. I don’t want my friends that became family to not be here. I don’t like the fact that I am not married and this would have been our first Thanksgiving and Christmas together. These holidays have always been joyous, happy, and relaxing for me. I just know that this year will be different and that is not bad, it just means it is different.

As I sit here in my classroom with everyone gone to be with family and friends for the holidays, I avoid going home. I honestly do not want to go anywhere for that matter because frankly Kyle isn’t anywhere I am or will be going. It has been an emotional last 2 weeks for my students, my friends, and I just have had grief loom over my head. Am I to grieve my own grief? How can I do that when I care so deeply about the people around me who are hurting too? I don’t try to carry all of their burdens but it sure hurts when others hurt. I have found myself encouraging others who have lost loved ones. I hug them in the similar way I have been comforted and encouraged last year. They carry around memories, pain, grief, and loss with them now too. It has become more real in their world than it ever has been before.

I look back and I see all the people, memories, and events that have transpired. I am filled with thankfulness. I see how the Lord has sustained me even when I have no words to say and have little energy to expend. He has been faithful countless times. He has loved me unconditionally. He has fought my battles when I have been weak. He has forgiven me in my anger. He has never failed me. I just can’t make sense of what is going on around me or in front of me. I continue to put one foot in front of the other trusting that He will direct my step each time. I recently wrote to my friend that I couldn’t even imagine the pain God felt when He watched His Son die on a cross. God watched as Jesus was beaten, abused, mocked, and treated like dirt when He was sinless. ALL FOR ME AND ALL FOR YOU! For everyone that has walked, is walking, and will ever walk this Earth. Seems pretty insane to me, yet I am beyond thankful because I will know only then will I truly experience the purest of love. I will be able to see Kyle, Scott, Kaitlin, and Zach again. I will see my Savior face to face where I can truly thank Him. Oh man, will that be the day or what? All is not lost. There is hope and my future is secured through Christ my Lord and Savior.

I was reading one of my devotionals this afternoon and it mentioned that thankfulness is not just a seasonal type thing. It is a way to live life with thanksgiving in your heart and sincerity in our heart while expressing such thanks. May the Lord work in me that I will one day live my life this way. For all of this, even the pain, grief, and loss, I am thankful. I bid you all a Happy Thanksgiving as you embrace those around you.

Doing the Hard

"My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. If the scar is so deep, so was the love." -beautythings

How do you go about daily life without constantly falling apart? People say that time heals the wounds. Well this wound may heal but I NEVER want to NOT feel the PAIN or cry the TEARS when it hits. I want to remember who I loved so deeply and never forget how our beautiful mess helped shape me to be the woman I am today.

I ask questions suchs as: Are the waves getting farther and farther apart? Am I healing and moving on? Am I just doing the daily life to try to make sense of what is left? Am I just being selfish becuase he is constantly on my mind? Am I just having a hard time letting go?

On the opposite side of it all I tell myself phrases suchs as: Other people have it WAY harder than you. You aren't healing. You should be happier than you are. You are just having a bad attitude. People don't want to keep hearing the same story over and over again.

Well lies come and they go and guess what? Lies come back again and again. So what you going to do about them? How do you take care of the lies that you are faced with? You find the TRUTH. You seek the Lord whole heartedly. You run into His loving arms.

I picture a child needing a hug from their earthly father. The child is crying in search of her daddy. She so desperately needs to be held. She sees him and runs into his big strong arms. She is safe for that moment. The world seems like less of a "bad" place. The same goes for our Heavenly Father. He so deeply wants us to know how loved we are. He wants us to run into His loving arms fully trusting in who He says He is. Yet, time and time again we try to face this whole world ALL on our OWN. Why? Is it worth it?

I do not feel like I am who I used to be when Kyle was here. He brought the best out in me, you couldn't wipe the smile off my face nor his. Now it feels challenging to smile and find the joy each day. All the grief, all the pain, all the hurt, all the tears, everything involved in this healing process is always right there on the front door step waiting to come in.

If you have read any of my other blogs, then you know that I have been working on being transparent. Some people may think it is ridiculous that I put my life out here for others to read. Do not worry, I don't share EVERYTHING. I share what I feel the Lord has laid upon my heart.

So this week, I know that there was definitely a spiritual battle going on around me. I didn't see it until I was talking to a friend this weekend. I had no idea why I felt the way I did. I just thought life had caught up with me and I didn't know how to process it all. SERIOUSLY people there is a spiritual war waging around us. We are not exempt just because we are doing the hard. Just because I am grieving and have lost so much in the past 11 months, there is still an enemy just waiting to take me down. Honestly, sometimes I go down without a fight, other times, I use everything I have to stand up against him in order to not get beaten down. I NEED friends to come along side me and help pick up the pieces. I NEED to let others in. I am thankful I have friends who will do the HARD with me. The friends who are willing to GET IN my boat and not leave me stranded.

Now looking back at how I felt, as if I was being attacked by lie after lie, I realize there was more of a distraction. I was so distracted that I was NOT able to pour into others, let alone be around people. I struggle with being NOT KNOWN. Kyle was amazing at knowing exactly what I needed when I needed it. Whether it be a hug, food, a listening ear, constructive criticism, he just knew. That is COMPLETELY gone. I have friends who "get" me and that is so helpful but none of them are Kyle. If you have ever loved someone so incredibly much, had a great relationship with them, and continually sought after Christ, and then all of a sudden it was completely striped away then you can understand how I feel. If you have not I pray you never feel the pain and lost hope I face every single day. Within the first 30 minutes of my day, I have 1 of 3 thoughts. 1. Kyle should be next to me. 2. My best friend is dead. 3. Kyle is never coming back. Any or all 3 thoughts run through my head every single morning. 

Now here's the thing, though I recognize the war, I know where my thoughts are originating from, I am doing the hard. I just need to share, maybe for myself or for someone out there needs to read this. I don't really know but for those of you who read this, there is HOPE.

John Piper said, "Occasionally, weep deeply over the life that you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life that he has given you." "The Bible gives us permission to weep deeply over the life we hoped we would have, and to not feel ashamed of that hope or disappointment. It is okay to grieve those losses and feel that pain." -The Hidden Grief of Singleness Sometimes people sum up how I feel way better than I ever could. 

 LIFE IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR!!! YOU ARE DOING THE HARD!!! 

Transparency

The infamous question, "How are you doing?" Don't we all love that question? Especially when we can sense that the person is asking out of obligation, duty, or just because that is the "normal' way to interact with other people? Don't worry, I am not going to be a negative person about social interactions and how people should be. It's just a question I am asked over and over again and I have to navigate how to answer the question with honesty and truth. I do NOT like to brush it off and just say that I am fine. I feel as though that would be an absolute lie. Majority of the time, I am processing. I am processing my ability as a teacher, my interactions with others, what I need to do next, I am processing how last December's tragedy intertwines with my daily life. So it kind of is a loaded question when someone asks me how I am doing. I do appreciate the thought though.

So how do you be transparent yet keep mentally sane and not come completely undone every time someone genuinely wants to know how you are doing? Well it probably looks different for everyone. Isn't that just nice? It's like grieving. There is no book that can tell you exactly what it looks like. People can tell you how they have done it or faced it but each situation and person is completely different. It is kind of nice that no one can hold you to a specific standard. But in response to the infamous question, it's worth letting people into your boat and sharing with them. We are all facing some sort of giant in our lives. Why not let safe people in? Why not find someone to help you face yours?

We are not required to do this life alone. We have people around us who care and love. It might not always look like what YOU WANT but it might just be what YOU NEED. I know there are days where I can't face them alone. There aren't specific memories or reminders that "hit" me, it just depends on everything going on. For instance this weekend there were so many "triggers" that just kept building up. It can range from a familiar smell that reminds me of him or a song that I hear. It could be a friendly conversation between friends that reminds me of what is "missing" in my life. It might even look like me missing the support and encouragement that he provided on a daily basis. Or the biggest one, that I just miss his hugs and daily presence. So as I keep on "doing" each day, I am reminded that I am NOT alone. I tell myself that it is okay to NOT be okay.

So the moments I stand in my kitchen and it just hits me, he won't be coming over today. I see pictures of him and the tears can't be held back. They begin to roll down my face and all I want to do is hide my emotions. As my roommate, Asha, works on jewelry in the kitchen, she looks at me and sees how much I am hurting. Normally, I would go hide in my room and just cry alone but today I knew I had to be transparent. I needed to be honest with where I am at in life. I can't hide it anymore. I NEED to let her in. It's the constant reminder that I never got to marry him and NEVER will. NEVER is an absolute. Sometimes I don't know what to do with that. I'll NEVER see him again. I'll NEVER hold his hand again. I'll NEVER pray with him again. I understand there is plenty going for me. I know how much the Lord has provided in and for my life. I am truly blessed and fully loved. I get that, but it does not negate my feelings I have for Kyle. She listens, hugs, and reminds me that it is okay to not be okay.

I have flashbacks to fond memories and stories of him and I together. I share them over and over again because that is when I am truly smiling. Every time I talk about him, it brings a smile to my face and I light up. For instance, August  5th, 2016-Kyle called me from the sat phone at 1 am. It had only been a day but it hit me for how much I miss him. Not like when I was dating before, as in I needed or was obsessed, with Kyle. I just want to be around him and love him. I want this same desire for Kyle but for the Lord. I cried that night because I was SO happy and surprised. He couldn't get out to fly because the weather was so crappy so he called me. I was beyond happy. When I was praying that day, I asked the Lord to just allow him to call so I could hear from him. The later it got the more I realized that it wasn't going to happen but of course he surprised me. Kyle could bring a smile to my face just by being present in my life. It was only a call and it brought so much comfort, joy, and happiness. I love that man so incredibly much and I am not ashamed to tell ya'll!

I continually see how the Lord is working at just the right moment in my life. I see how my heart is being softened and more willing to share  where I am at in life. It comes down to learning how to trust again. Trust others with my very tender heart that has not even come to close to be fully healed. It is a daily process. Some lyrics come to mind that sum up where I want to be in life, "This is my story, this is my song. Praising my Savior all the day long." Though I may not feel like this every day, I am reminded that my grandmother used to love this song and make these words evident in her life. I am thankful Kyle is able to meet her in heaven. Both of them faced hardships understanding what it looked like to hold on to their Savior. They loved so well. My grandmother was tough and a no nonsense type of woman and I can't help but think that I am so similar to her. I remember words of wisdom she shared with me over the years, the example she had in my life. I miss her as well but am thankful for the memories I have with her. Though people pass from this earth, memories remain. The pain slowly disappears into pieces of thoughts and fond memories. You remember the good and block out the negative. You speak of them because you never want to forget.

In one of my books today's reading referenced

James 1:1-2

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, becuase you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God., who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable. Believers in humble circumstances out to take pride in their position. But the rich should take pride in their humiliation since they will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business. Blessed is the one who persevers under trial becuase, having stood the test, that person will recieve the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. Don't be deceived, my hear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does NOT change life shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be kind of first-fruits of all He created."

But Why?

The question word why is a one I hear on a regular basis. Being a teacher and asking/telling my students to do something, they ask me why? Sometimes I stop to explain the reason as to why but other times I use the famous line, "because I said so." It makes me think of my relationship with the Lord. He does not always tell me why even when I ask Him a million times. I ask my friends and family the same thing, but as frustrating as it is, they have no idea either.

This hits home today as I begin writing a new chapter in this "book" I am writing in this life. Hopefully, there will actually be a book one day that I actually sit down and write, but for now I continue blogging. As I sit in prayer and spend time with the Lord, the question "Why?" has been used countless times. It hit me again as I read through my Bible that was so graciously presented to me by my friends this December. For those of you who don't know what I am talking about, Kyle and I decided that we wanted to have a Bible that people could write in as a our guest book at our wedding. So my friends bought me one and set it up at his celebration of life here in Port Alsworth. People could highlight a verse or share a word of wisdom encouragment. I look forward to filling it up more and more as time goes on and the Lord continues to reveal His truth, mercy, and grace in my life through others.

So as I flipped through it today, I came across what my big brother wrote to me. "I don't know why" are within the first several words. Ben had written by the story of Job and this particular chapter resonates very deeply with me. Chapter 42- "Then Job replied, "I know you can do anything, and no one can stop you. You asked, "Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?" It is I and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me. You said, "Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them." I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance." Job recognized that undeniable sovereignty that the Lord has. 

In the devotional next to chapter 42, it discusses that questioning is not necessarily a bad thing, rather asking the Lord what is going on to say that curiosity should not cause doubt in the Lord. "Walking by faith means walking wherever the Lord leads you." Sometimes that means it might feel uncomfortable, hard, discouraging, challenging, frustrating, amazing, joyous, peaceful, rewarding, or even encouraging. It goes back to a phrase I love to use, "We don't need to know what the future holds, as long as we know the One who holds the future."

So as the 7th this month approached, I lived life as full as I could. I didn't give up when it felt hard. I didn't just hide away from the world this time. I embraced it head on and month 9 was unbearably hard. That will be for another blog. I felt as if I was grasping at something just hold onto. If we go back to the sea analogy, I was in the middle of the storm and I felt less than calm. Or we could pick the working out analogy where you are trying to do push ups and your arms are shaking to get just ONE more. You feel as though you want to give up and you realize you are digging deep. You do it, you have been doing it, you are going to continue doing it. That is totally me. A friend and I were talking and as I looked at them, I said, "I can't do this!" They said, "Abbey, you are doing this." Oh yeah, don't we all kind of need to be reminded that we are doing the "hard" and "tough" on a daily basis?

Over these past 10 months, I have been saying how much I want to sleep at the cabin but I just don't know if that would be a good thing to do or not. Finally, Asha asked me if I was going to go through with it. At 11pm we packed up everything we needed and drove over.

With much laughter and preperation, we made ourselves cozy in the cabin. I started and tended the fire, we did a foot soak, discussed fond memories of Kyle, and prayed together. I recently have been told that it is just a cabin, yes, I know. It isn't so much about the cabin as it is me processing through lost hope of being able to live there as Kyle`s wife. I understand that the cabin will not always be a part of my life and thats okay, just as long as I have been able to process through the emotions and feelings I have had. I am just processing through letting go, yet cherish it all. I understand that my life will have new beginnings. I see myself finding a lovely and cute home. It will not be the same as how I pictured it before. I will keep on learning, loving, and growing. Kyle, is NOT my life, becuase in Colossians 3:4-"Christ is your life" so anytime I say that something is MY life, then I am mistaken. My job, traveling, being liked, sports, whatever fills the blank is NOT my life.

I keep coming back to the phrase OPEN HANDS AND A WILLING HEART. That is a challenging prayer to pray as I am not sure what that will bring about in my life. The last 10 months has been extremely quick, hard, slow, and yet unbelievable real. I have been working through the aspects of grieving, being present, yet continually moving forward. So when you feel like giving up and keep saying, "I can`t" just remember that you are. 

Loved First

"God loved us first so we can love others." 1 John 4:19

God set the perfect example of how to love and be loved. So how to we emulate that to others around us? I believe it looks different for each person we are loving and caring for. There's always more to each person than meets the eye. There's pain, joy, sorrow, struggles, lies, among a variety of other obstacles that one person goes through on a daily basis. We don't always know where someone is at in life, so how do we go about loving that person? How did Christ love others?

I am faced with this question as I tend to get wrapped up in grief, lost in my thoughts, and consumed by all the obligations and requirements in my life. It can get exhausting and at moments, time consuming. So, it must be said that I am thankful for everyone who has loved me through the different seasons in my life over the these past 9 almost 10 months and of course over the past 26 years. I am very quick to admit I am an imperfect person but I am willing to allow the Lord to work in my heart to make me more like him. As I have said before and I will say it again "Love others and love them well. 

The words "part of the process" are very common in my vocabulary lately. I will forever love Kyle, who he was, and who we were. I am just learning how to make that a part of my daily life, yet continue to move forward and be present with those around me. Trust me I know he wasn't perfect nor am I, but what I saw in him was the attitude of wanting to grow and learn. He wanted to take every opportunity to love others the best he could. He didn't do it perfectly and neither have I. Maybe I have written this before but it encourages me again today. Our prayer for our relationship was this:

 "We pray that you show us a unity we could never Imagine. We thank you for this amazing relationship and we pray it never strays from you. We pray we can mirror your imagine in our relationship." 

Now I pray:

"I pray you show me what unity in and from the body of Christ looks like in a way I could never imagine. I thank you for an amazing relationship with a God fearing kindhearted man. I pray I can mirror your image in my relationships." 

I of course struggle each and every day to love others and sometimes even myself. During this fall season and well any new season in my life, I always like to look back at what others seasons looked like. Who was apart of the the seasons, who the Lord brought into my life as well as took out. I look at what I wrote about who loved, supported, cared for, and spent time with me in each season. I am thankful for you all. One of the biggest supporters through all of this is my wonderful momma. 

So often we get caught up in ourselves and forget to love those around us. We are concerned with out schedules, deadlines, needs, wants, school, work, or events. So when do we make time for those who don't fit into those categories? Do we slow down to listen? Do we put our phones down to focus on the face in front of us? Can we step away from social media to spend a lot time with a friend who is in town for a couple hours? I ask myself these questions as well, so: What stops us from just being present?

My mom, has always been good at making time for me. She is always there for me, no matter what,. I never want her to go unnoticed for who she is and how she loves. If you ever get a chance to meet my mom, you should ask her to share her story with you. She has such an amazing testimony of what it looks like to come from a life without God, tragedy, loss, pain, confusion, doubt, yet she is filled with joy, love, compassion, care, truth, a tender heart, and unconditional love for those around her. She has a servants heart and is truly a woman after the Lord's heart. She does not have all the answers, but she knows how to trust God no matter what comes her way. 

She wrote about 30 notebook pages to me 4 years ago right before I moved out here. She sent it with me in hopes that the words written would maybe encourage, challenge, or remind me of who the Lord is. I haven't opened this book in at least a couple years but here is part of the first page.

"You are following the Lord's leading and only blessings will come from that. Everything you have experienced up until now has been the Lord guiding, directing, giving, taking away, pushing, pulling, and preparing you for this very journey you are about to embark on." Oddly fitting for the season I am in right?! Thought so, too Just wait...... 9-18-13- "As a mom I want the very best for my children. I pray you wait upon the Lord for His (timing). Particularly (with His choosing) your spouse. Marriage is a long road and you certainly don't want it to be an uphill climb. I will try to be more diligent in prayer for this." -MOM

This hit me hard as Kyle and I talked about how the timing was just perfect for EVERYTHING that came our way. Everything from our first date, down to picking to the venue, and everything in between. I didn't even know Kyle when she wrote this. I hadn't even flown to Port Alsworth yet. Yet, the words 4 years later remind me that the Lord has His perfect timing even when life is HARD and frustrating at times. 

My mom continued to share with me what she learned in one of her women's retreat. So now I share with you as it fits exactly where I am at in life.

9-23-13 "We are to have a resting heart----Psalm 37

We have inhibitors:

• Fret-Idea of becoming irritated-angry
• Envy-Grudging desire (jealousy)
• Time perspective
• Comparing to others 

Our security

• To trust in the Lord-Do good in Him
• God gives always for our good (He never withholds), Always in His timing

Our security measures

• Trust-have confidence/don't let your emotions lead you
• Do good
• Dwell-stay in the Lord feed on His faithfulness. If God tells you to move THEN move
• Delight yourself-understand where REAL satisfaction comes from
• Commit-Take all concerns FIRST to God and LET God carry them
• Rest-BE STILL Who is this that even the winds and waves obey Him
• Wait-Refrain wait-expectantly
• Refrain from anger-refrain=letting go-walk away
• Be meek-HUMBLE-humility ALL else above me

The rewards

• God will-when He says He will-be assured it WILL be done.

Practical ways to rest and enjoy the ride called LIFE

• Learn more of God and who He says He is
• Allow God to be God
• Release MY grip on all of life
• Know and be sure God will follow through"

Mom had no idea what I was going to go through these past months. She (and my dad) trusted God with me and my life here. She trusted that God was going to do what He said He would. Thank you mom for leading me back to the Lord each and every day. Thank you for following the Lord and demonstrating a Godly woman for me to look up to. You, mother, are one my best friends and a person I thank the Lord for. We are learning together and I never want to stop. I love mom. Never stop loving! 💕💕

"God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in Him."

                                       

Our Home

Picture a cute little hand crafted cabin located in the middle of no where. It's set back in the woods, surrounded by mountains and trees. There isn't heavy traffic going by, rather you can here the planes taking off and the Hondas on the runway. For some it isn't much but to others, it is the perfect mix between a place of personal space and everything to start a family in. Welcome to Our Cabin. The cabin that I think changed the course of my life as well as Kyle's, but also was the place that built our relationship for what was to come.

As a 26 year old, almost widow/fiance'/girlfriend, whatever technical term you want to use, I would have never guessed my life would be the way it is now. I moved out here from a small podunk town from Pennsylvania. I have always wanted to be married, start a family, and finally have that title "wife." Years before I moved out here, I have never had my "own" house or place to call my "own". I have lived with roommates for over 8 years. I have been in relationships I thought would end in marriage, yet here I am single again still with that hope to be married and start a family one day. I could have been married if I really wanted to, but none of them would have brought me out here. I looked forward to the days where I could plan and design a house. I would imagine what type of house could be built from scratch. It brought excitement into my life as I have planned this "wife" life on several occasions. Yet none of them have panned out the way that has been planned. "Just maybe.....maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds." -Ann Voskamp

So after planning, plans falling through, heartbreak, hopes, and dreams never amounting to anything, I packed up and moved up here to do my student teaching in Alaska. I met many people who welcomed me and allowed me to be apart of their lives. I signed on for another 5 months, after initially saying I'd be here for 6 weeks. During the five months of being a full time teacher, I met Kyle Longerbeam. 👷💃 We hung out countless times, would text quite a bit, and he even asked me out. To his disappointment I said, "No." I had to be honest at the time because I was not ready to be in a relationship. I had just gotten out of one several months prior to us getting to know each other. So, he said, "OK" and we continued to be friends. Over the next several years and even to this day, THAT cabin built our relationship as we built it together.

That may seem strange but it was far from strange in our world. We both put blood, sweat, and tears into THAT cabin. I worked with him multiple times every weekend, on weekdays, and honestly I just absolutely loved hanging out with him at any given time he was working. We would banter, be sarcastic, and share memories that now as I look back, am thankful to have. I had no idea he would pass away before we even could finish THAT cabin. We joked that one day that when he was married, I'd move in upstairs just because I was THAT kind of friend. Though both of us knew that would NEVER happen and our relationship would drastically change if we ever dated someone else. I was just thankful he would let me come "help." Actually let's be honest, he probably loved my company just as much as I loved his (most days).

In THAT cabin, we had countless talks about our "relationship." It was an never ending, on going, discussion almost every month. We would have "sit downs" and discuss the reasons why we "could't" "shouldn't" or "wouldn't" date each other. Often, I would end up in tears because it hurt me and it hurt him that we just never were at the same place with it all. I would leave knowing he was frustrated with me, or vise versa. However, we would always seem to mend the friendship and continue being apart of each others lives. I would pop over to "check in" with him or just be over there to listen and keep him company. He didn't allow or invite many people over, so my "pushy" "I'm going to be your "friend" attitude allowed our relationship to grow into what it became in June.

In THAT cabin, I have cried countless tears over the past several years, more so now than ever before. I painted the walls, helped move the weather port, assist in building the pallet wall, design the pantry, jack up and move the small cabin, organize, clean, and continually cheer Kyle on as he worked to fill a dream he had of building his own home and living in Alaska. I loved his ambition, hard work, and determination to finish what he had started. I loved watching the progress over the years and finally be able to hang out with him in the bigger house rather than the small mouse infested cabin we would spend hours in talking and hanging out in over the years. I was one of his biggest cheerleaders and I am thankful that I had that opportunity to do so. So I have quite a bit of stock in that cabin, not as much as him, but I was there right by his side from start to where it is now.


 

We planned and planned to build THAT cabin to become our home for at least the next year. I recently talked to one of our friends who said, "everything that's here is a clear indication that he was prepared and completely building this place for his bride." To know that I was going to marry him, brings me so much joy, even when the tears don't stop rolling. He wanted to make it comfortable, functional, and affordable. He doesn't know it, but I didn't care if we had "everything" all I really wanted was to be married to him and wake up in "our home." Somehow I feel robbed that I will never get that change with him. However, God has bigger and I think better plans for THAT cabin than I ever will. 

I can say that the memories we built will NEVER be burnt, given away, used up, or taken away. I cherish each and every memory from the sarcastic jokes, to him falling down the scary stairs....you know what I mean if you have ever been in there, to Asha, Kyle, and I hanging out sharing laughs, to skinning a bear while I colored, to countless stressed out moments of him holding me while I cried, to story upon story shared time and time again. The memory of him leaving a lawn full of dishes, clothes, and stuff that Asha and I cleaned and took care of. It is also the memories of him telling me in the middle of a misunderstanding how he would marry me right then and there, to the time planned of eloping just so we could live together and forgo the goodnight sayings each evening. Of course I could go on and on but there are just several memories that stick out in my mind. I am thankful that I had years and years of fond memories with Kyle. I just have some amazing texts from him about THAT cabin. Such as: "Good thing you don't have to live it then because there's going to be a lot of wood, and animals on the wall. lol Ultimate bachelor pad. No woman will ever stay around after stepping foot in it." -2015 I guess some things change over time!

                        

As these memories remain, I create new ones there. I have written several blogs there as the words just seem to ooze out of me. It has been a place of solitude, healing, taking a walk down memory lane, as well as a place to remind me how good the Lord has been to me and us. I am proud of Kyle for all his hard work over the years, thankful for the friends who helped him, came and to sit with me there when he can't, and the good talks I have had with God. This is a journey, a process, a stretching period in my life, and my life has been forever changed since the first day I met Kyle. Funny how I can write so many words just about one place. I don't even do THAT cabin justice for what Kyle has put into it. I can only speak from my side of it all, but I  know Kyle is proud of who I have become through all of this and I do wish he were here to see the impact he has made on my life along with the many others. 

I wanted to just share some thoughts and feelings on how this whole process and how it has been going. I am not going to be buying THAT cabin, as I do not think this is the best financial move for me. I know that it will be in good hands and that the Lord has His hand in it all. Nothing is finalized yet,so if anyone wants to know, there you go. I finally cleaned out his belongings for the most part and I could just help my grieving process continue. It is not complete or finalized but it has been a good cleansing for me (as well as the cabin ;)). It is just a place yet it isn't. It is a part of my life, a majority of Kyle's and I am thankful for what it was and is.

           

Our home is not here on earth, we must set our eyes upon our heavenly home. Heaven, where the Lord has gone before us to prepare a place for us. Each and everyone of us who have chosen to accept a personal relationship with our Heavenly Father. We get wrapped up in the world around us. We collect personal effects and belongings. We get the items we "need" and items that we want. Eventually, we will pass from this earth and cannot take such items with us. They really don't matter in the grand scheme of everything. However, while we are here on earth, we are called to live life, but not get caught up in this life we live. THAT cabin was exactly what it needed to be when we needed it. I will forever remember it and be thankful for it.

The Open Wound

        These past weeks have been the most challenging weeks/months I have ever had to face. Let's just say I think the initial shock has worn off now. It has felt as though I had found solid ground over the course of the summer. Days were hard and others were harder. There was processing and organizing my thoughts. Our wedding date past and grieving that was difficult, but it really didn't hit me what that meant until I came back here to Port Alsworth. It all began to hit me the more I experienced his hometown in Iowa and meet all the people who love and adore Kyle. It was an experience that taught me more about Kyle and opened up a new appreciation for who he was and the welcoming family that I am now a  part of. After being in Iowa, reality kept sinking in. The words easy and simple seem to have disappear from my vocabulary. Kyle being gone has been more in my face than ever before. So what do I do now?

Love me some Iowa fields

         It's not the first time this has hit me that Kyle is gone, it's more the fact that he isn't here on earth, at all. So many plans were set up for this fall. We would have been married, moved into our cabin, starting our life together, catching salmon, plan for a family, have growing pains of him being gone for months at a time for guiding, all the while following the Lord in whatever opportunities He had for us.

" And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His Purpose." -Romans 8:28 

        I came back to Port Alsworth husband-less. I have a very hard time comprehending that fact. It taunts me and stares me in the face. I sit in our supposed to be home and it's completely and utterly silent. Well, except for the occasional plane or 4 wheeler on the runways. I get lost in the thought of how I used to wait for his plane to land, hurry up and greet him as soon as I could be there, or the sound of him driving up to the house on his 4 wheeler. This type of grieving is not something that can truly be prepared for. It's facing the reality of coming back to "our" hometown. As I sat on his bed, I could hear the humdrum of life, yet everything inside my head and heart was screaming....get me out of here. It's the get me out of this horrible, gut wrenching feeling of severe loss and pain.

Beautiful hometown with Tanalian Mountain just chilling in the background

        The pain is all to familiar as I look back at December at the initial shock factor of death. I think of memories we have shared together. The unconditional love we showed one another. I hate this place (not PTA) rather the figurative place I feel like I visit sometimes. The PLACE where I will never know what it feels like to talk to him again. The PLACE where I will never live life with him by my side. The PLACE where reality hits me and the numbness has warn off. The PLACE where is feels so incredibly raw that it hurts to even visit it if only for a moment. This PLACE is cold and musty. It brings a picture to mind of a dark room in an old forsaken basement of a house. Half of the staircase is rickety and dilapidated and the other half of it but seems to be repaired the closer it gets to the main floor of the house. As I walk myself down to this dark and rat infested basement room, The sense of being alone, fear, doubt, insecurity, lies, betrayal, emptiness, and loneliness seep into what feels like every part of me. As I describe this PLACE to myself, I feel as though I could allow myself to get trapped here because it becomes familiar. However, experiencing joy and life before draws me out again and again. I remember who God truly is.

" Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. -Hebrews 13:8

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken." -Psalm 62:5-6

          I recall memories of us and I begin to remember God's goodness in the times we shared together. I can hear voices and footsteps above while I visit this PLACE below. It sounds like a joyous and happy place, somewhere I long to be. I enter into THE PLACE when I allow my grief to consume me. This is a PLACE where I enter into when I feel as though God has abandoned me and left me to fend for myself in this dark world. I write these words to put a picture to how it feels to fully embrace this grief. It's when I reach this PLACE that I take a look at myself and see just how badly I want to join everyone upstairs but can't figure out how. Some of my friends have even come down to this PLACE to be with me. They remind me that I am not any of those things I am choosing to believe and that God is behind me, in front of me, right next to me, and sometimes even carrying me through this dark PLACE. It's a feeling of frustration where, "life falls short of my expectations I insist that things should be different." -The Feeling Good Handbook I must remind myself of the truth that there is hope in the Lord.

                                

         I have to give myself my I pep talk to remind myself just how far I have come. I look back at where I used to be and that's about far as a I get. I try to look at where I am now and think I should be farther. I struggle to expand grace to myself. If this were anyone else going through something similar, I would not use the words I use on myself: "you should be farther","pick yourself up and dust yourself off", "suck it up buttercup"-as Kyle would tell me to do. These words would be harsh and cruel to tell my grieving friend. Yet these are the exact words I speak to myself. I have a hard time seeing truth in the midst of everything going on. I struggle to look toward the future because the last time I did, well everything fell apart. It's hard to write these words when I feel such a deep sorrow and sadness but here we are. They need to be said, maybe for myself or maybe for someone else who truly doesn't know how to put words to their thoughts, feeling, sorrow, or grief. I promise you, with Christ there is hope.
        It does tend to feel like I don't even recognize who I am. I know that Abbey is still in there but it's just a different Abbey. I am constantly learning at what giving myself grace looks like as I mentioned before. I scream, cry, and just feel left confused by this whole tragedy that not only struck my life but also many other loved ones and friends. I know I am not the only one grieving here. Kyle didn't just impact my life and for that and I am reminded of the main purpose we are here on earth. It is to love the Lord with all our hearts and to love others. Kyle did a great job at displaying that. He lived life to the fullest, took risks, and adventured as much as he possibly could. He lived the "dream" that so many envy. If he had never pursued his dream then we would have never met. I am so glad we both took that leap of faith and moved ourselves here. I am thankful that we met. There was a reason for it. There was a reason we dated the length of time we did and yet another reason we planned our wedding. I would do it again in a heartbeat if it meant that I could spend one more minute with him. I absolutely love Kyle. He taught me what it looked like for a man to pursue, love, care, and cherish me. He has forever changed my life and I am thankful.
       So, I really don't know where to go from here besides fixing my eyes upon the Lord. I run through my head what he might tell me. The only thing I keep coming up with is RUN to God. The Lord is my strength and refuge. He is my stronghold and anchor. God is the only one who can calm me as the storm rages around me. Kyle was always my biggest encouragement, he always pointed me back to Christ, and without him, I feel as though the wind in my sail has been striped away. I am not entirely sure how to get that back or even how to get out of that PLACE I tend to visit.
        I can't help but think of myself and how hard this is for me, yet at the same time how selfish I must be for thinking this is hard. It really is a vicious cycle. I don't always know the balance that needs to take place, and for that, it makes it all the much harder for people to approach me, get into my boat, or even be around me. I feel bad for not being able to pour into others, or I get frustrated for how quickly I shut down and get tired. I want to be able to help others help me, but as I spoke to a friend this week, the words, "maybe it is okay to let them struggle." It goes both ways, I can't always be there for others and likewise for me, someone can't be there for me ALL the time. Only the God can supply all we NEED. It just might look different from what we DESIRE.

    

              This wound that is trying to heal is there daily. It hurts, needs to be cleaned, and at times I let it go without taking care of it in the right way. I change the bandages that seep with blood. It sometimes consumes me, brings me to my knees, and at times knocks the wind out of me. I deeply appreciate everyone who asks how I am doing. Please keep checking up on me, pray that I can become more like Christ through all this. Just know this is such a process and most of the time I am seriously just trying to figure it out. I do it wrong sometimes. I push people away when I need them the most, I get so caught up in myself that I lose sight of others, and for that I apologize.
        I have more than enough on my plate right now but I am trying to walk it out faithfully. The first week ranks high of being the most difficult week I have experienced since December. There were several weeks that have been hard but coming back here without him just wrecked me. I didn't even know how to prepare and looking back, I don't even know what would have helped. I was not ready to fly back alone, do the grocery shopping, meal prep, and move back into my old room. It feels I have been hit by a freight train repeatedly. This is just something I need to face I suppose. I look forward to teaching again this year, hopefully graduate with my masters, coach basketball, and be the friend I can be when my friends need me to be there for them. I want to love others and love them well. I am constantly working on learning who I am. I miss the Abbey that I used to be but at the same time I am excited to see how going through the fire will help shape and make me this redefined Abbey. I struggle and am learning every day.
        I really do get it that people all grieve differently. There really is not a book for this. There have been books written to help and encourage in some way. The only book that has truly helped me is the Word of God. I am thankful for the Bible and for the people whose stories are written down where I can look back and not feel completely alone in this mess. King David's words have spoken to my heart more than once on this journey. Also, it's our stories that others can learn from, receive encouragement, or be challenged by. So as I say, "SHARE YOUR STORY." It really truly matters.

Patient Endurance

"What could be better than working to bring out the best in one another?"

Through the past 6 months of grieving, processing, examining myself, and reassessing how I view life, it has all been extremely insightful and convinciting. As silly as it sounds but tiny little ants were a catalyst for this thought above. Have you ever slowed down enough to watch ants? They are quite fascinating. If you were to ask my students I would hope they would be able to tell you that ants can carry more than their body weight. As I was watching one ant carry a fellow ant to their home, it brought to mind how we are to help each other through this life. However, there are theses lingering questions. Why am I so alone? Why don't people reach out to me? How come I have no friends?

Well, there is an active enemy that wants us to feel those feelings of abandonment, loneliness, single, or cornered and left to ourselves. How do we prepare? Armor yourselves by putting on the armor of God. It isn't just a one time thing rather a daily practice. As soon as you stop you become weaker. It reminds me of working out. If you want to be physically fit, look good, or what have you, there must be a daily work out. It's not only to maintain but to build strength and endurance. It's not a 1 time thing. The same goes for our relationship with the Lord. If you want to continually get stronger in your faith or walk with God, you must do your part in reading His word, pray without ceasing, love others, and love the Lord.

Since Christianity is not a religion rather a relationship we need to be in constant communication with our Heavenly Father. That comes through having a conversation with the Lord. It is the verse of praying without ceasing. It reminds me of how Kyle lived his life. He would tell me or ask me if I talked to the Lord ALL the time. I would tell him that I forget, or get busy, I talk to Him in the really good/bad. I was always impressed with his relationship with God. It was so raw and real. I need to practice the constant conversation like Kyle had with the Lord.

So as I continually learn and grow through all of this and Kyle's example of pure hunger for more, I have felt alone, lonely, on my own, or the single factor has sunk in at times. I am not above these feelings even if I am a strong woman or post smiling pictures of how God is working in me. I feel as I fall through the cracks of life and business. During these times I forget everything that I am preaching right now and have to remind myself that no matter if every person in my life that cares is gone, I still have the Lord. I remind myself that I am cared for and loved beyond measure. I am far from perfect or having it all together because I am trying to figure this all out on a daily basis.

Fast forward a month or so as I sat with my cousin Brittany, today here in Malaysia, we discussed many of these topics I had just written about a month or so ago up in the first few paragraphs. I didn't know we would have a similar conversation as to what I had been processing over and over again. She just sat and listened to story after story. She thanked me for sharing, she cried with me, she pushed through my tough barrier I built up to protect myself, she prayed for me. She was a perfect reminder of how much God desires to have that kind of relationship with each one of us.

We discussed many topics but what stood out to the both of us is that we get so caught up in the choas. Whether tragedy, grief, work, friends, adventure, or even our own thoughts that it is so easy to forget where to go when it is chaotic. Sometimes it takes a simple nudge and other times it takes a shove to get back to full surrender to the Lord and releasing all control to Him.

I have to say thank you to my friends and family who have text, called, wrote me notes, prayed, encouraged, came to visit, and everyone who chooses to "get in my boat" and listen to me process. All of you have made this process doable. You have come along side me to carry my burdens, the pain, grief, sorrow, and loss. It goes back to the ants and how they carry each other or carry more than their body weight for the benefit of the colony. Why does it take so much effort for us to come along side each other when it should be a simple and natural reaction?

Leave them better than when you met them

This phrase runs through my head, especially when I meet people. I want to live this life with this motto as the push behind me. We are called to love the Lord and love others. I want to love others and step outside myself for others. It's definitely not my go to but the more the practice the more it becomes a strength. It goes back to working out. If you want a muscle to become stronger you use it and work out. I feel that it comes full circle. If this whole grief processing has taught me anything, it is to let a lot of circumstances, people's feelings and thoughts, frustrations, worries, just let go. A lot of what we tend to focus on is the negative (or at least for me it used to be) and now all I want to do is focus on the positives, joys, and excitement other people have.

Praise the Lord

Praise the Lord oh my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name. Psalm 103:1

When I stop to really think about where I am at in life, I am humbled and yet broken. Inside me, my fire rages on to explore and seek life. The outlying factors of the world around me consume and rob joy AT TIMES., but only AT TIMES. I get caught up and worrisome, filled with fear and anger. I develop a rough exterior that keeps people at a distance. Yet, when I am forced to face the reality of life and grief, it brings me to my knees, it knocks the wind out of me, makes my stomach tie itself in knots, and sometimes hinders me from being fully honest with myself. When I allow the tears to roll and my heart to be moved by stories of the Lord's goodness in my life, this is when the Lord can truly work in and through me.

These moments of complete and utter vulnerability and honesty is where I find rest and healing. The moments when I talk about Kyle and our relationship to those who have never heard it before, sparks a light in my eye of the love we shared. I get giddy, happy, and love remembering the good times Kyle and I had together. I am reminded of how the Lord has protected me in my life over and over again. I see his provision and opportunity for me to walk in a life that is filled with awe and wonder. I see what it looks like to walk in grace and truth with others but more importantly to learn how to have grace upon myself on a daily basis. I am learning how to continually speak truth over my mind and body as I heal mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. God is at work no matter where I am, whether half way around the world or not.

Most of you know I am in Malaysia. This trip is truly a gift from the Lord because I have been thinking about coming here for a couple years now and it finally happened. I mentioned to Kyle last year that I wanted to go and how him and I could potentially go visit my family together. He was all excited to travel with me and explore more of the world around us. Even though we will never travel together again, I know that without a doubt, he is proud of me for always stepping up and moving forward. As Brittany and I traveled here, I was overwhelmed with emotions. I have bawled countless times in the past several days, could be part jet lag and exhaustion but I say it is me letting my guard down a bit. I am thankful for having such a loving family in my life who enters into such emotional times and encourages me by speaking truth to me.

My family has been here in Malaysia for many years now and I am thankful to have had family around the world where I am welcomed anytime. Nicky and Barb have opened their home to me where I feel at home. I was welcomed with open and loving arms. They desire to get to know me, listen to the story I have to share, pray over me and my loved ones, and share truth with me as I walk through this journey of healing. Each one of them have an amazing testimony of the Lord's constant hand in their lives. I am encouraged by their love for the Lord and walking in faith on a daily basis. Their stories not only are encouraging to me, but they also challenge me to have bigger faith and live more boldly than I do now. By coming here, I thought I might be running away but that has not been the case so far. Rather I feel as though I am running towards healing. I feel as if this place is a calm and inviting place for me to heal and grow in the Lord. I am surrounded by those who love me and love God even more.



I say praise the Lord not only for being here in Malaysia and being able to travel, but I say it because I have completed another semester of masters classes. I only have one semester left and I am beyond excited to graduate in December. Through this season of schooling, I have struggled to maintain my focus and drive. I have always wanted to be the best and do my best in everything I attempt. I am realizing more and more that being the best is different than doing my best. These past 2 semesters have been exhausting and challenging on so many levels. I have had friends and family encourage me along the way to finish strong. Praise the Lord for the ability to think and process more and more each day. It has been a real struggle and I am thankful it is getting better.

I say praise the Lord for new life. Kyle's sister, my sister now, just had her first baby girl, Piper Kyle. Piper is absolutely beautiful and precious. Piper was born at 2:22pm on 7/27/17. I was moved to tears when Carla (Kyle's mom) text me and said that she can't wait for Piper to meet her Aunt Abbey. Praise the Lord for such love and connection. I am thankful for being able to be her Aunt Abbey. She is truly a gift from the Lord. I am extremely excited to hold her come August when I get to see everyone in Iowa! I am thankful for my new family for opening their home, wanting to spend time with me, and show me Kyle's stomping grounds. They are truly a blessing to have in my life!

I say praise the Lord for friendships new and old ones. For learning how to walk in truth and honesty with one another. The Lord has brought restoration and healing in incredible ways with friends of mine that I never thought would happen. I am learning how to die to self in the way of learning how to love others the way Christ would want me to love them. It is challenging to step outside myself, lay down my wants and needs for the betterment of another. It is amazing how the Lord has used friends to walk beside me in this journey that I thought never thought would be there for me again. Friends who want to enter in the real pain and grief that I face every day. Thank you to those friends for stepping up and being there, your words, love, kindness, and truth hold a lot of meaning in my life right now.

Praise the Lord for beautiful scenery and animals. The house I am staying in has 2 balconies with one facing the ocean and the other facing the jungle. It is truly a gift to see another part of the world. We are staying on a island. It as we begin to embark on our adventures, we have no sense of urgency or need to go at any pace. This type of life is relaxing and stress free. I am awake while everyone back home is asleep and vise versa. It is pleasant to not be attached to my phone as I do not have service and everyone is sleeping. I keep thinking of how it is the little things in life that seem to bring the most joy. The first day I was here, we have about 20 monkeys hanging around the car. My family said that they have never seen such a siting since they have been here. I smile and laugh that I was welcomed by monkeys.

Today, I am filled with thankfulness. Tomorrow may not be the same feelings. Tomorrow may be a time of complete sadness, but each day is new. I do know though that no matter the mindset or feelings I have, the Lord is always with me watching over me. I know that I am healing on all levels. I know that the Lord is faithful and good to me. I know that no matter where I am, I am always loved by Kyle and more importantly I am always loved by my Heavenly Father. So, Praise the Lord today.