"Remember when your hope is lost and faith is shaken
Remember when you wonder if you're gonna make it
There's a hand stretched out through your deepest doubt
We can't pretend to see the ending or what's coming up ahead
To know the story of tomorrow
But we can stay close to the One who knows
We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us always
We believe there is purpose, there is meaning in everything
We surrender to His leading
He wants nothing more than to have us close"
This time in my life and as with many others, has been a far
cry from easy. I never thought I would have to go through something this
traumatic in my life. I keep coming back to words I have written before that
the pain and hurt we feel is real. It's not that the pain and hurt is an all
day every day constant feeling because I have been able to find joy and smiles
in the little things in life. I keep thinking of a time when life was going
according to "plan" and frankly it is still going according to plan
because God is the author of my story.
During this story that keeps unfolding each day I keep
coming up with having to realize that Kyle is gone. It washed over me like a
flood last week. I may never understand why he is gone and it leaves me with so
many questions. It isn't the fact of feeling abandoned or alone because Kyle
did not choose to leave me. It doesn't even come close to the same feeling as
going through an extremely difficult breakup. I have been on my own for quite
some time in life and that's not what bothers me the most, what bothers me is
that my best friend, encourager and future husband is gone. It brings me to ask
the same questions over and over again. Why is he gone? What am I learning from
all of this? How is this fair? Why so soon? I mean, I think it is safe to say
that at one point or another everyone has asked one of these questions
regarding something traumatic or painful in their life.
I have been thinking of how I keep writing about the joys I
have found or joyful memories that roll through my mind, but honestly the tears
flow and sometimes I want to stop the tears or not let them even come. The best
way to describe how I feel is this. I am standing on a rug looking at the the
future in front of me excited for what it holds, having the past behind me not
allowing that to consume or define who I
am. Then all of a sudden the rug is ripped from beneath my feet and I smack my
head against the floor. I black out and when I wake up I realize that my whole
view before has now completely been changed. The future looks promising yet
dim, the past is working overtime to consume me. I want to find all the answers
and figure it this out but I can't because I need to completely trust God in
everything that He says. I know that he loves me and has the best plan for my
life with keeping my interests, desires, and longings close to His heart.
This is the place where I feel broken, my heart longing for what
once was. I looked forward to the future with such excitement of our life
together and now there is such disappointment in what will never be. I find
fear that creeps in and anger that wants to take over. Yet, a deeper part of me
feels thankfulness for a closer friend than anyone I could ever ask for. A
loving heavenly Father who reminds me that I am His. Reminds me that He holds
every tear I cry. He reminds me that I am loved.
Then I think to myself how can there be so much pain yet
joy, fear but trust, hatred yet love, hurt yet healing. How is it that this
will become a beautiful story that turns from ashes into beauty? It is because
we have a God that you can't figure out or put Him in a box. Then I also think
of what has happened long before I was born. Jesus experienced pain, hurt,
sorrow. Take for instance Lazarus and his death. He died and Jesus wept prior
to bringing him back.. Jesus cried and he is weeping with me as I go through
this. He isn't smiling and patting me on the head, it hurts Him that I am
hurting. He's with me in my pain and sadness.
It is an interesting concept to think about what exactly is
the grieving process. I have discussed it with quite a few people and what it
feels like, looks like, and everything it involves. This is the way that makes
the most sense to me.
If you have ever played a sport, tried something challenging
like a work out, then maybe you can follow what I'm going to say. Every time
you start working out the first few weeks are brutal. They take a toll on your
body. You are drained and beat up physically, emotionally it is challenging,
and even mentally pushing through the pain is tough. In the early stages you
want to give up and throw in the towel. I picture that with grief a bit.
Something happens and you have a couple choices. 1. Give up 2. Keep pushing
through 3. Thrive and overcome what challenges you face. With my analogy of
sports and grief, grief is unique to each person. There is not one right way to
process such traumatic events. I keep being told there is not a formula or
specific process, rather it's an individual type deal. So back to sports.
Picture being told you will play a new sport. Some people have tried it and
eventually gave up, others made it through but it was hard. There is no coach,
rules, or set guidelines of how to win. You don't know if you are ahead or
behind. This sport you are playing is something you have to do alone, but yet
you have a team. The sporting event feels like you are in the dark yet you know
people are around you wanting and trying to cheer you on. You hear their voices
but can't find them or any of your teammates. Fear cripples you at times, lies
of how horrible you are doing come into play, and all the while you feel as
though you have opponents hauling objects at you like it is some sort of a
dodge ball game. You are in a constant game and the challenge of the rules
changing the entire time. I think of the other team hurling dodge balls at you
being the enemy and trying to get you down and out. You think you see them coming
but ultimately they come from left field sometimes. The strength to keep
thriving comes with those teammates, the Lord's strength, talking out loud in
order to process.
"We, too, can believe that God will work all things for
good in His children’s lives (Romans 8:28). In fact, character growth usually
occurs in times of suffering, loss, or hurt. While adversity is uncomfortable,
we can feel hope and joy in what our Father is accomplishing through painful
times.
Ultimately, God brings glory to Himself and good to His
children. There are instances when this involves miraculous healing, but He
often refines us by allowing the hardship. As with silver and gold, impurities
are usually removed from hearts in the fiery furnace of life’s struggles. Trust
God’s plan and rest in His love."
