At first, I
wonder what needs to be said with everything that has happened. I keep thinking
of the truth I have been encouraging myself with or how I keep talking myself
through this process. I want to find the perfect words to say to others, I want
to help them process, I want to be there for everyone, and yet at the same time
I want to be distant and just do my own thing. I am learning the balance of
life once again between teaching, coaching, working on my masters, and now
grieving the loss of my future husband and friends that I truly loved and cared
for.
Here is an overview of what happened 2 months ago. I would love to
share every detail yet I know there isn't that much time to do so. So I will
just share what I feel I need to share. For example some of you who don't
usually read my blog, follow me on Facebook, or Instagram here is a recap.
I am at a constant stage in my life where I am processing grief. I
grieve the loss of a friend, future husband, fiancé, love, encourager, and many
other names I could use to describe Kyle. I grieve so much more than just the
person he was. I never want to minimize how other people feel or how they
grieve. Just know this, this is how I am grieving and I would never try to hurt
anyone with my words or shove my faith down anyone's throat.
About 2 months ago I told Kyle for the last time that I loved him
and that I would see him when he made it home. These are both extremely true
statements for 2 reasons. 1. I love him, always have, and always will. 2. He is
in heaven waiting for me and I just hope our mansions are right next to each because
I have no idea what heaven looks like and what awaits me. Sadly he never made
it back home to me but he made it to his heavenly home.
He was extremely close to landing here but he ended up crashing in
a plane just a few miles away from our home. Fog settled in and this tragedy
took not only his life but the lives of a man I looked up to as a mentor,
father figure, and viewed as an extremely Godly man after the Lord's heart. I
deeply miss Scott and the influence he had in my life as we coached together
and Kyle and I did marriage counseling with him and Julie his wife. I lost 2
amazing students who were just the best. Zach hugged me almost every day and
knew how to make you smile. I loved playing basketball with or against him and
watch him work so hard to play with the big guys. And Kaitlyn was just so much
fun. She was hard working loving, caring, and feisty. All 4 of these people had
a hunger and thirst for the Lord and they were seeking His kingdom first.
Grieving all of this has hit in waves. At times I want to forget
and wake up from this wretched dream and yet in other times I find joy and
laughter in the moments throughout the day. I often find myself walking towards
my house reminding myself that Kyle isn't in there waiting for me. There is no
more prayer nights together, venting sessions, spending time with friends, or
working on his house together. For most of you, you know that we were planning
to get married. We picked July 15th 2017. We had our venue picked with a down
payment already taken care of. I grieve this in so many ways.
I'd be lying if I said that seeing other people get engaged,
married, have babies, move into houses together doesn't affect me because it
does sometimes. I had and wanted what I see in my friends’ lives. I see them
starting their lives and the joy they have. I am genuinely happy and
joyful for them but there is a piece inside of me that just hurts so badly and
sometimes I just want it not to. I want to be able to grieve the plans and excitement
that we had in front of us. I have sorrow in that I will never be able to
experience all the wedding plans we decided on, nor the celebration with family
and friends. I have all our notes of what needed to happen. I grieve not being
able to go wedding dress shopping, have my aunt make my wedding shoes, walk
down the isle with my dad to see Kyle waiting forme, and just give God the
glory for our relationship we had. This doesn't trip me up every day because my
mind doesn't stay on one specific thing for too long.
I grieve the loss of having a constant confidant in my life. I
trusted that man more than I ever thought I could. He knew more about me than
many people excluding life long friendships and family. I saw trueness about
him and his character. I do not regret sharing my life with him rather
encouraged at how I could let someone in again and learn how to trust them with
the raw Abbey. He was a friend, yes, but there were multiple layers of how he
understood me. Of course it is hard but I don't have a fear that God can't
supply these needs again. I don't want to just cover up this hurt, pain, or
sorrow in my life and I want to so badly be healed in the deepest way possible.
"All we can do is pray.
You may
wonder why the pastor can’t heal you, why your doctor can’t heal your deep
wounds. You wonder why you feel good for a moment, then the emotional pain
returns in full force. It is because only God can heal you to the core of who
you are, but it’s only when you come to Him. Not once. Not twice. It’s when we
continue to come to Him and frequent His presence that true intensive care
takes place. No one can heal you like God can. Will you trust your broken heart
to His healing hands? He will make your heart new, your mind new, and your
desires new. Come to Him and He will heal your heart completely and make all
things new.
God does not further our spiritual life in spite of our circumstances,
but in and by our circumstances." Not
Knowing Whither, 900 L
"We are essential not accidental"
It was so incredibly hard to come back here to Port Alsworth. I
walked into my house for dinner and I had in my head Kyle would be here. Well nope,
he isn't and he won't ever be again. I walked into my bedroom and his stuff is
everywhere. His shirt and pants lying on my bed as if he would be coming right
back. I so badly want him to be here waiting for me like he always was. Waiting
with open arms and a massive smile knowing I had made it home. I keep myself
busy most of the time knowing that this pain hurts tremendously and there isn't
an easy way to fix all of this. I know that there are people who understand to
a certain extent of how I feel and since grieving is all different for everyone
there really isn't this equal understand ingredients for each other. It is
frustrating at times when people think they know how I feel but actually don't. However, I want to extend grace not only to them but also to myself because this
is a challenging time in life and it feel like I am going through the fire.
I like to rationalize everything and this time I can't
rationalize it all. It doesn't make sense to my brain. It's the same for me to
wrap my brain around heaven, hell, and God’s love for me, forgiveness. The list
goes on and on and I can't make sense of it all. I want to know the unknown but
realize it's not for me to understand. Something that I read years ago that had
stuck out to me is this, God would not be who He is if we could put Him in a
box and figure Him out.
I am a type A personality so since I still have decided to
continue teaching, coaching, and taking my masters classes for the rest of this
school year. I wonder about how I will get everything done, however, God took
care of every thing that needed to happen every time before. He will continue
to do so as long as I trust Him and if it doesn't work out then I will take it
one step at a time and let it unfold to see how it will play out. There are
many prayer requests I have but my biggest one is for the people who don't know
Christ. My heart just crumbles and breaks because I have come to understand the
weight of what that means for them. I ask for prayer not only that I can heal
in the deepest way possibly but that I extend grace upon myself and allow
myself to feel when I need to. It's tough to share your heart but yet at the
same time it is so freeing. I don't know who is reading this but it has been laid
upon my heart and the words are flowing. I'm sure there will be another post
here in the future but this is all I have for now.
