Simultaneous Grief and Joy

Grief- deep sorrow, especially that's caused by someone's death

   Synonyms- sorrow, misery, anguish, distress, heartache, suffering, woe, desolation, heartbreak

Joy- a feeling of great pleasure and happiness

    Synonyms-delight, jubilation, happiness, gladness, glee, bliss, delight, enjoyment, triumph

       I have been bouncing between these two feelings on a consistent basis. I keep explaining it and processing that there are two realities that constantly have grief and joy mixed together. The realities are that  have and I would really like for them to coexist together not be two separate entities. It feels hard to put in written words but it is easier said. Right now my two entities (worlds for the lack of a better term) keep running into each other and it feels like a tidal wave.

       May 11, 2014 This was our first time ever hanging out just him and me. It all started with this blue plane.This pictures brings the joy of memories we shared while we talked during flying together in It hits home tonight as I walked by and watched my friends (who own it now) get ready to practice flying in it. I think of the laughs, serious talks, God talks, and the "getting to know" you stage in this little plane. Such sweet memories to look back on yet the sorrow of never creating new ones.

          I view myself at crossroads. The road in front is labeled long, painful at times, life giving. To the right I see detour ahead, as if I should take the road with that might be longer but less rocky in the beginning. To the left I see it marked with bright lights, fun adventures, distractions and yet another detour. The road behind me is marked dead end. I try each of these roads for a short while. Each day I walk them longer than other days. I run occasionally and sometimes even hitch a ride with someone else depending where they are headed and the road they have chosen.

       I find myself spinning my "wheels" because it doesn't make sense to me. I get frustrated that I don't have it together or that my grief hasn't taken a deeper level of healing. I feel mind "fog" over and over again. I want it to stop sometimes but know that isn't even in the cards. I cry out to the Lord as if my screaming and shouting is needed because I feel as though I am talking to myself sometimes. I want to make sense of everything and at the same time I know that may never happen. So many things don't even come close to making sense right now but I come to the realization its actually a pretty sweet spot to live. It is the daily living and living in the moment.

       This life, the daily, future plans, and everything going on are constantly moving forward. I drag my feet and put up a good fight sometimes, and yet every time I do I am brought back to my knees. I begin to realize how I don't have it all together, how broken I truly am, and how desperately I need the Lord each step of the way and each moment of every day.

       I am so broken but yet so loved. At the times I feel as though I have messed up, said something I shouldn't have, or responded in a way that was less than appropriate. I fall to my knees and realize how desperately I need the Lord. I have those moments more now than ever before where I just feel "off" It doesn't feel normal, I don't have Kyle here to process my thoughts and feelings with but I am beyond grateful for the people the Lord has brought into my life to enter into those feelings with me.

       All I have left are the memories I try to recreate in my mind over and over again. I look at pictures and I can't explain the pain I feel that he is not longer here. My heart hurts so badly and even though I know the Lord is working to pick up each piece it doesn't not change the fact that I still feel. I have been listening to a song called "Feel it All" by Andrea Marie. I definitely try to do that because I want to fully heal from all of that no matter what it takes or looks like. I know the Lord has not left me in this state I am in. In the shambles, in the middle of the storm, in the darkness, in all the questions, despite all my pride, the Lord is my constant and has good in store for me. I just know it and believe it because He loves me.

Our Days Are Numbered

Every time I that I get sucked into the cycle of the questions of why did this have to happen? Why these ages? Why December 7th of this year? I can get so wrapped up in just wanting to have my unanswered questions answered. And even though these can't be answered now or may never be answered I keep coming back to these truths.

Each breath we take is a gift from the Lord and everyday is a day given to us. We didn't earn it for good behavior or asking one more time to spend here on Earth. It specifically says in multiple places in the Bible that our days are numbered. Job talks about it and David mentions it as well. In both accounts these men ask God many questions and cry out to Him with their deep longings and sorrows yet they both talk about having the knowledge our days are numbered. Those words can be crippling, illing, encouraging, stressful, discredited, along with other reactions people might have. 

Honestly, those words are what remind me why Kyle is no longer here, and this is beyond anything I could ever have imagined I would go through. A lot doesn't make sense in this life and this is definitely one of them. Kyle's days were numbered and this did not shock God when everything happened. "What satan intended for bad, God will use it for good." 

Thoughts of all the activities, projects, talks, aspirations, plans, goals, and whatever other ideas Kyle and I would come up with to do. I long to have those days back where he would share his ideas with me about our future, our house, and our family we wanted to have. Each day can't be figured out becuase it feels like it all resets every single morning. It comes in a wave of I'm ready to start my day all the way to I have no desire to leave my bed becuase it all just seems too difficult. Either way I still must take on the day whether or not I like what the day holds. I must and try to remind myself of the truth I know to be true. These are some of the truths I tell myself over and over again. I first start it off by saying:

         

        I know that the Lord can and will.......

heal me fully.

restore my soul.

protect me from my enemies.

fight my battles.

listen whenever I need.

love me even in my worst.

forgive me when I sin.

rejoice with me.

delight Himself in me.

strengthen me when I'm falling.

be present at all times in my life.

show me His faithfulness.

go before me.

hold my hand.

never leave me.

carry me when I desperately need. 

see me in my pain.

understand my feelings and emotions.

help me when I can't help myself.

accept me no matter what.

encourage me when no one else will..

always be my anchor.

As I remind myself of these truths I also have this picture of me holding my future in one hand and my past in the other. I like to think that I am in control, yet I am quickly reminded that I have very little control and honestly, I don't want that control. I'd rather give it over to the Lord who knows me better than I know myself.

Julie and I were talking about what it looks like to let go and release it into the Lord's hand. As Julie and I read a devotional together that reminded us that we cannot hold onto our "stuff" whatever that may be and simultaneously hold the Lord's hand. I want to let go of everything I am currently holding onto or that I pick up along the path I am walking on. I want to hold the hand of my Savior who loves me and cares so deeply about my sorrow, pain, joy, longings, and desires.

I'm never sure what is coming my way but I trust that the Lord will guide me in whatever way He sees fit in order to take on and face the everyday life. There is no other way to turn or go when my eyes are fixed upon my Heavenly Father.