The Continual Journey

I can't get over the fact that Kyle loved me. It was beautiful, messy, fun, challenging, and everything I wanted in a "normal" relationship. I was fought for, waited for, and worth someones time. To some it looks like I was holding out on him, I was making him wait, or that I was just toying with him. Well, to anyone who actually knows me or knows us, there was way more to our relationship. We both agree that it was all timing. We discussed it after we started dating and we both decided that the time we began dating and planning our wedding was exactly the right time in our lives. I always knew I wanted him in my life, but I didn't know him and needed to get to know the person he was. I didn't even know what having him in my life looked like for the majority of our friendship. I had no plan to date Kyle; but I remember countless times of me pursuing our friendship, reaching out, loving on him, taking him dinners after big gatherings, such as Thanksgiving food from the Blom's 2 thanksgiving ago. This last Thanksgiving we went together to the Blom's. Our life had such positive and joyous moments that I'm not afraid to find that again, I'm just frustrated I have to start over and learn how to trust, and get to know someone that's not Kyle.

I want Kyle here to talk to about all this. I want to ask him his opinion on these new choices in my life, but that doesn't make sense because I wouldn't be asking for advice if that were the case. I'd be marrying him and figuring life out with him. I try to make sense of things and I cant, I try to put explanations to things and I can't. I simply keep coming back to the fact the Lord's will is bigger than my will or agenda. I think so often that I am in control. HA yeah right! 

Since the accident in December I feel as though I take a few steps in what I think is the right direction, head that way for a bit, and then realize that's not the way at all. I constantly pray for the Lord's will to be done in my life and over the past couple years I have requested that the Lord stretch my faith in a mighty and real way. Well......I think it has been happening and is now happening in a much bigger way than I could have ever imagined. Not having a future with Kyle and never seeing him again is a pretty big area for me to trust the Lord in. I'm not complaining about my cracked, broken, or shattered heart because it will be and is constantly being mended. If it weren't cracked and never felt pain or hurt, how could I ever love others with the capacity He has provided for me with? It is having a deeper understanding of what love looks like and how the Lord is equipping me to speak into the lives of those around me who are hurting and longing for answers.

 I'd be lying if I said it has been easy watching about 10 different friends of mine get engaged in the past 5 months. I am beyond excited that they get to share their lives with their loved ones. Sometimes I catch myself saying, "It just isn't fair." As that may be, I like where I am because it a continual learning process of what it looks like to be fully known and loved by the Lord in a real way. I look forward to seeing my friends get married and experience life together. I hope that they and everyone who is married cherishes the fact that somebody has chosen them and chooses to love them every single day. Love is a choice and it's not always an easy one. So for those of you who are struggling to choose love just remember that you are chosen every single day by the Lord who loves you and we need to reciprocate that to those who the Lord has allowed and put into our lives.

I sometimes notice that my ring catches my eye, it's pretty shiny. 😉 I stare and smile at it since it reminds me of not only him but of my family and his family that are no longer here. I have been told countless times, just wear it as long as you need or grieve it as long as I want. Well, the ring was going to be from a Kyle but there are 5 different people this ring has a story about. It is a symbol of how loved and cared for I am. I was going to to marry Kyle, I was his girl, but I'm not anymore because he isn't he here. Honestly, I'm single. Oh how those words are hard to read and type. Maybe if I had chosen to be single it would make it easier to swallow. Nope, because I have been in that situation too and the choice to leave someone was much harder because it was a choice made. Him being gone was not his choice. I know that he loved me and I can leave it a that.

It's hard to not compare. So and so has it way harder than me, so why should I even be grieving? So and so has been through so much, so I should just be okay and not feel pain at all. Oh look at how many people are coming along side that person. Look how people have taken care of this person. It gets so old and tiring to live life like this. Everybody has a different story that is unique and meaningful to them. We need to come along side of each other, meet them where they are, and love them in everything they are going through. This journey is not to get from point A to point B, its the everything in between. I'll leave you with this because it hit me so hard this past week.

"Therefore I tell you do not be anxious about your life." -Matthew 6:25

"Your life is in God's hands. You can't control how he blesses you, all you must know is that He will. You don't know how He will meet your needs; all you must know is that He will. You don't know how He is going to get you from where you are right now to where He wants you to be in life. All you must know is that you've prayed, and He's heard you. It is His timing, His plan, His perfect will that is in effect. When you stop trying to figure out how and when, you will be able to rest in His immense love and receive His grace that is appointed to you today. Anxiety builds in our hearts when we concern ourselves with things beyond our control. God's grace builds in our lives when we walk in what He has set in from to us today." 

What is He placing in front of you today? How will you respond? 

5 Year Plan

When someone asks the question, "What is your 5 year plan?" Some people have no idea, others know somewhat of what they are thinking, and then you have the ones who know exactly where they see themselves in 5 years. I have not ever been the type who could actually see farther than 6 months down the road or maybe a year if I was feeling confident of where I felt the Lord leading me.

I would not have ever thought I could say that I have lived in one place on my own for 4 years and now working on starting and completing my 5th. I remember like it was yesterday. I sat in my advisors office and she said, "How about you do your student teaching in Alaska?" I looked at her without hesitation and said, "yes." She proceeded to tell me that I needed to call my parents before I made a decision, knowing that they would probably like to hear before I packed my bags and bought a plane ticket. I left her office, called my parents, and told them I was heading up to Alaska. I told them I needed to pay my way up there to which my mom replied, "Don't worry, it will all work out." This was just the beginning of how the Lord was starting a major work and transformation in my life with my move to Alaska.

Initially I looked at moving up here as a temporary type deal. 6 weeks of student teaching potentially get a year of teaching and call it good. That is as far as I thought ahead in "future planning." 6 weeks turned into another 5 months, which turned into year after year, resulting in this being the end of my 4th year and next August beginning my 5th. I moved up here to follow the leading in my heart, seek adventure, and broaden my life/teaching experiences. I had the support of my family and friends with the thought I would be back after 6 weeks. It isn't easy being away from all of my people back home and I so enjoy my summers with them. I am sure you can go back through my blogs to see where all this adventuring in Alaska began and how it began to shape into what it is now. 

This blog was originally intended to share my experiences out here with my family and friends back home, it was never intended to become a way to process and share my story of how wonderful the LORD is in my life. However, I am extremely glad to know the Lord had better plans for this blog. Sometimes it is so difficult to write on here becuase I am not sure if it's even worth posting for someone else to read. I think, who wants to read my thoughts, feelings, and now grieving habits? But here we are: me writing and you reading. So let's keep it going.....

I wanted to say less is more but if you know me at all, that is never the case. There's always a story behind my response. I just wanted to share a little bit of some connections I have been making with the beginning of my journey here until now. Before the accident happened this Christmas I had already been blogging and journaling consistently. The more I spent time with Kyle the less I journaled becuase we always had something to do or somewhere to go. We had been planning a wedding and yet jobs, friends, among a list of everything else we did together and were studying for. I so cherish those moments with him. Some lesson, learning takeaways, and aha moments are:

• The Lord hears us
• Be honest
• Take risks (stepping out in faith)
• Love others and love them well
• Don't let fear control or be paralyzing
• It's okay to NOT be okay
• Trust is hard to do but it is worth it
• Guard your heart
• Having good friends is necessary
• Don't expect or set expectations 
• Forgive (repeatedly)
• It is worth it to love even when there is loss
• I am fully loved and fully known

I could go into an in depth explanation of how the Lord has worked in each area and why theses are the main themes but I'll save some words for later. I simply wanted to share that I am coming back to Port Alsworth to teach next year. I know that I need to be here even if it wasn't apart of our year plan or even our 2 year plan together. I know that Kyle would tell me that I am making a good choice based on everything we discussed this past year. I don't know what this year of teaching holds for me but I am excited, ready as I can be, hopeful, encouraged, determined, and stepping out in faith that the Lord will show me each step.