Loved First

"God loved us first so we can love others." 1 John 4:19

God set the perfect example of how to love and be loved. So how to we emulate that to others around us? I believe it looks different for each person we are loving and caring for. There's always more to each person than meets the eye. There's pain, joy, sorrow, struggles, lies, among a variety of other obstacles that one person goes through on a daily basis. We don't always know where someone is at in life, so how do we go about loving that person? How did Christ love others?

I am faced with this question as I tend to get wrapped up in grief, lost in my thoughts, and consumed by all the obligations and requirements in my life. It can get exhausting and at moments, time consuming. So, it must be said that I am thankful for everyone who has loved me through the different seasons in my life over the these past 9 almost 10 months and of course over the past 26 years. I am very quick to admit I am an imperfect person but I am willing to allow the Lord to work in my heart to make me more like him. As I have said before and I will say it again "Love others and love them well. 

The words "part of the process" are very common in my vocabulary lately. I will forever love Kyle, who he was, and who we were. I am just learning how to make that a part of my daily life, yet continue to move forward and be present with those around me. Trust me I know he wasn't perfect nor am I, but what I saw in him was the attitude of wanting to grow and learn. He wanted to take every opportunity to love others the best he could. He didn't do it perfectly and neither have I. Maybe I have written this before but it encourages me again today. Our prayer for our relationship was this:

 "We pray that you show us a unity we could never Imagine. We thank you for this amazing relationship and we pray it never strays from you. We pray we can mirror your imagine in our relationship." 

Now I pray:

"I pray you show me what unity in and from the body of Christ looks like in a way I could never imagine. I thank you for an amazing relationship with a God fearing kindhearted man. I pray I can mirror your image in my relationships." 

I of course struggle each and every day to love others and sometimes even myself. During this fall season and well any new season in my life, I always like to look back at what others seasons looked like. Who was apart of the the seasons, who the Lord brought into my life as well as took out. I look at what I wrote about who loved, supported, cared for, and spent time with me in each season. I am thankful for you all. One of the biggest supporters through all of this is my wonderful momma. 

So often we get caught up in ourselves and forget to love those around us. We are concerned with out schedules, deadlines, needs, wants, school, work, or events. So when do we make time for those who don't fit into those categories? Do we slow down to listen? Do we put our phones down to focus on the face in front of us? Can we step away from social media to spend a lot time with a friend who is in town for a couple hours? I ask myself these questions as well, so: What stops us from just being present?

My mom, has always been good at making time for me. She is always there for me, no matter what,. I never want her to go unnoticed for who she is and how she loves. If you ever get a chance to meet my mom, you should ask her to share her story with you. She has such an amazing testimony of what it looks like to come from a life without God, tragedy, loss, pain, confusion, doubt, yet she is filled with joy, love, compassion, care, truth, a tender heart, and unconditional love for those around her. She has a servants heart and is truly a woman after the Lord's heart. She does not have all the answers, but she knows how to trust God no matter what comes her way. 

She wrote about 30 notebook pages to me 4 years ago right before I moved out here. She sent it with me in hopes that the words written would maybe encourage, challenge, or remind me of who the Lord is. I haven't opened this book in at least a couple years but here is part of the first page.

"You are following the Lord's leading and only blessings will come from that. Everything you have experienced up until now has been the Lord guiding, directing, giving, taking away, pushing, pulling, and preparing you for this very journey you are about to embark on." Oddly fitting for the season I am in right?! Thought so, too Just wait...... 9-18-13- "As a mom I want the very best for my children. I pray you wait upon the Lord for His (timing). Particularly (with His choosing) your spouse. Marriage is a long road and you certainly don't want it to be an uphill climb. I will try to be more diligent in prayer for this." -MOM

This hit me hard as Kyle and I talked about how the timing was just perfect for EVERYTHING that came our way. Everything from our first date, down to picking to the venue, and everything in between. I didn't even know Kyle when she wrote this. I hadn't even flown to Port Alsworth yet. Yet, the words 4 years later remind me that the Lord has His perfect timing even when life is HARD and frustrating at times. 

My mom continued to share with me what she learned in one of her women's retreat. So now I share with you as it fits exactly where I am at in life.

9-23-13 "We are to have a resting heart----Psalm 37

We have inhibitors:

• Fret-Idea of becoming irritated-angry
• Envy-Grudging desire (jealousy)
• Time perspective
• Comparing to others 

Our security

• To trust in the Lord-Do good in Him
• God gives always for our good (He never withholds), Always in His timing

Our security measures

• Trust-have confidence/don't let your emotions lead you
• Do good
• Dwell-stay in the Lord feed on His faithfulness. If God tells you to move THEN move
• Delight yourself-understand where REAL satisfaction comes from
• Commit-Take all concerns FIRST to God and LET God carry them
• Rest-BE STILL Who is this that even the winds and waves obey Him
• Wait-Refrain wait-expectantly
• Refrain from anger-refrain=letting go-walk away
• Be meek-HUMBLE-humility ALL else above me

The rewards

• God will-when He says He will-be assured it WILL be done.

Practical ways to rest and enjoy the ride called LIFE

• Learn more of God and who He says He is
• Allow God to be God
• Release MY grip on all of life
• Know and be sure God will follow through"

Mom had no idea what I was going to go through these past months. She (and my dad) trusted God with me and my life here. She trusted that God was going to do what He said He would. Thank you mom for leading me back to the Lord each and every day. Thank you for following the Lord and demonstrating a Godly woman for me to look up to. You, mother, are one my best friends and a person I thank the Lord for. We are learning together and I never want to stop. I love mom. Never stop loving! 💕💕

"God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in Him."

                                       

Our Home

Picture a cute little hand crafted cabin located in the middle of no where. It's set back in the woods, surrounded by mountains and trees. There isn't heavy traffic going by, rather you can here the planes taking off and the Hondas on the runway. For some it isn't much but to others, it is the perfect mix between a place of personal space and everything to start a family in. Welcome to Our Cabin. The cabin that I think changed the course of my life as well as Kyle's, but also was the place that built our relationship for what was to come.

As a 26 year old, almost widow/fiance'/girlfriend, whatever technical term you want to use, I would have never guessed my life would be the way it is now. I moved out here from a small podunk town from Pennsylvania. I have always wanted to be married, start a family, and finally have that title "wife." Years before I moved out here, I have never had my "own" house or place to call my "own". I have lived with roommates for over 8 years. I have been in relationships I thought would end in marriage, yet here I am single again still with that hope to be married and start a family one day. I could have been married if I really wanted to, but none of them would have brought me out here. I looked forward to the days where I could plan and design a house. I would imagine what type of house could be built from scratch. It brought excitement into my life as I have planned this "wife" life on several occasions. Yet none of them have panned out the way that has been planned. "Just maybe.....maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds." -Ann Voskamp

So after planning, plans falling through, heartbreak, hopes, and dreams never amounting to anything, I packed up and moved up here to do my student teaching in Alaska. I met many people who welcomed me and allowed me to be apart of their lives. I signed on for another 5 months, after initially saying I'd be here for 6 weeks. During the five months of being a full time teacher, I met Kyle Longerbeam. 👷💃 We hung out countless times, would text quite a bit, and he even asked me out. To his disappointment I said, "No." I had to be honest at the time because I was not ready to be in a relationship. I had just gotten out of one several months prior to us getting to know each other. So, he said, "OK" and we continued to be friends. Over the next several years and even to this day, THAT cabin built our relationship as we built it together.

That may seem strange but it was far from strange in our world. We both put blood, sweat, and tears into THAT cabin. I worked with him multiple times every weekend, on weekdays, and honestly I just absolutely loved hanging out with him at any given time he was working. We would banter, be sarcastic, and share memories that now as I look back, am thankful to have. I had no idea he would pass away before we even could finish THAT cabin. We joked that one day that when he was married, I'd move in upstairs just because I was THAT kind of friend. Though both of us knew that would NEVER happen and our relationship would drastically change if we ever dated someone else. I was just thankful he would let me come "help." Actually let's be honest, he probably loved my company just as much as I loved his (most days).

In THAT cabin, we had countless talks about our "relationship." It was an never ending, on going, discussion almost every month. We would have "sit downs" and discuss the reasons why we "could't" "shouldn't" or "wouldn't" date each other. Often, I would end up in tears because it hurt me and it hurt him that we just never were at the same place with it all. I would leave knowing he was frustrated with me, or vise versa. However, we would always seem to mend the friendship and continue being apart of each others lives. I would pop over to "check in" with him or just be over there to listen and keep him company. He didn't allow or invite many people over, so my "pushy" "I'm going to be your "friend" attitude allowed our relationship to grow into what it became in June.

In THAT cabin, I have cried countless tears over the past several years, more so now than ever before. I painted the walls, helped move the weather port, assist in building the pallet wall, design the pantry, jack up and move the small cabin, organize, clean, and continually cheer Kyle on as he worked to fill a dream he had of building his own home and living in Alaska. I loved his ambition, hard work, and determination to finish what he had started. I loved watching the progress over the years and finally be able to hang out with him in the bigger house rather than the small mouse infested cabin we would spend hours in talking and hanging out in over the years. I was one of his biggest cheerleaders and I am thankful that I had that opportunity to do so. So I have quite a bit of stock in that cabin, not as much as him, but I was there right by his side from start to where it is now.


 

We planned and planned to build THAT cabin to become our home for at least the next year. I recently talked to one of our friends who said, "everything that's here is a clear indication that he was prepared and completely building this place for his bride." To know that I was going to marry him, brings me so much joy, even when the tears don't stop rolling. He wanted to make it comfortable, functional, and affordable. He doesn't know it, but I didn't care if we had "everything" all I really wanted was to be married to him and wake up in "our home." Somehow I feel robbed that I will never get that change with him. However, God has bigger and I think better plans for THAT cabin than I ever will. 

I can say that the memories we built will NEVER be burnt, given away, used up, or taken away. I cherish each and every memory from the sarcastic jokes, to him falling down the scary stairs....you know what I mean if you have ever been in there, to Asha, Kyle, and I hanging out sharing laughs, to skinning a bear while I colored, to countless stressed out moments of him holding me while I cried, to story upon story shared time and time again. The memory of him leaving a lawn full of dishes, clothes, and stuff that Asha and I cleaned and took care of. It is also the memories of him telling me in the middle of a misunderstanding how he would marry me right then and there, to the time planned of eloping just so we could live together and forgo the goodnight sayings each evening. Of course I could go on and on but there are just several memories that stick out in my mind. I am thankful that I had years and years of fond memories with Kyle. I just have some amazing texts from him about THAT cabin. Such as: "Good thing you don't have to live it then because there's going to be a lot of wood, and animals on the wall. lol Ultimate bachelor pad. No woman will ever stay around after stepping foot in it." -2015 I guess some things change over time!

                        

As these memories remain, I create new ones there. I have written several blogs there as the words just seem to ooze out of me. It has been a place of solitude, healing, taking a walk down memory lane, as well as a place to remind me how good the Lord has been to me and us. I am proud of Kyle for all his hard work over the years, thankful for the friends who helped him, came and to sit with me there when he can't, and the good talks I have had with God. This is a journey, a process, a stretching period in my life, and my life has been forever changed since the first day I met Kyle. Funny how I can write so many words just about one place. I don't even do THAT cabin justice for what Kyle has put into it. I can only speak from my side of it all, but I  know Kyle is proud of who I have become through all of this and I do wish he were here to see the impact he has made on my life along with the many others. 

I wanted to just share some thoughts and feelings on how this whole process and how it has been going. I am not going to be buying THAT cabin, as I do not think this is the best financial move for me. I know that it will be in good hands and that the Lord has His hand in it all. Nothing is finalized yet,so if anyone wants to know, there you go. I finally cleaned out his belongings for the most part and I could just help my grieving process continue. It is not complete or finalized but it has been a good cleansing for me (as well as the cabin ;)). It is just a place yet it isn't. It is a part of my life, a majority of Kyle's and I am thankful for what it was and is.

           

Our home is not here on earth, we must set our eyes upon our heavenly home. Heaven, where the Lord has gone before us to prepare a place for us. Each and everyone of us who have chosen to accept a personal relationship with our Heavenly Father. We get wrapped up in the world around us. We collect personal effects and belongings. We get the items we "need" and items that we want. Eventually, we will pass from this earth and cannot take such items with us. They really don't matter in the grand scheme of everything. However, while we are here on earth, we are called to live life, but not get caught up in this life we live. THAT cabin was exactly what it needed to be when we needed it. I will forever remember it and be thankful for it.

The Open Wound

        These past weeks have been the most challenging weeks/months I have ever had to face. Let's just say I think the initial shock has worn off now. It has felt as though I had found solid ground over the course of the summer. Days were hard and others were harder. There was processing and organizing my thoughts. Our wedding date past and grieving that was difficult, but it really didn't hit me what that meant until I came back here to Port Alsworth. It all began to hit me the more I experienced his hometown in Iowa and meet all the people who love and adore Kyle. It was an experience that taught me more about Kyle and opened up a new appreciation for who he was and the welcoming family that I am now a  part of. After being in Iowa, reality kept sinking in. The words easy and simple seem to have disappear from my vocabulary. Kyle being gone has been more in my face than ever before. So what do I do now?

Love me some Iowa fields

         It's not the first time this has hit me that Kyle is gone, it's more the fact that he isn't here on earth, at all. So many plans were set up for this fall. We would have been married, moved into our cabin, starting our life together, catching salmon, plan for a family, have growing pains of him being gone for months at a time for guiding, all the while following the Lord in whatever opportunities He had for us.

" And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His Purpose." -Romans 8:28 

        I came back to Port Alsworth husband-less. I have a very hard time comprehending that fact. It taunts me and stares me in the face. I sit in our supposed to be home and it's completely and utterly silent. Well, except for the occasional plane or 4 wheeler on the runways. I get lost in the thought of how I used to wait for his plane to land, hurry up and greet him as soon as I could be there, or the sound of him driving up to the house on his 4 wheeler. This type of grieving is not something that can truly be prepared for. It's facing the reality of coming back to "our" hometown. As I sat on his bed, I could hear the humdrum of life, yet everything inside my head and heart was screaming....get me out of here. It's the get me out of this horrible, gut wrenching feeling of severe loss and pain.

Beautiful hometown with Tanalian Mountain just chilling in the background

        The pain is all to familiar as I look back at December at the initial shock factor of death. I think of memories we have shared together. The unconditional love we showed one another. I hate this place (not PTA) rather the figurative place I feel like I visit sometimes. The PLACE where I will never know what it feels like to talk to him again. The PLACE where I will never live life with him by my side. The PLACE where reality hits me and the numbness has warn off. The PLACE where is feels so incredibly raw that it hurts to even visit it if only for a moment. This PLACE is cold and musty. It brings a picture to mind of a dark room in an old forsaken basement of a house. Half of the staircase is rickety and dilapidated and the other half of it but seems to be repaired the closer it gets to the main floor of the house. As I walk myself down to this dark and rat infested basement room, The sense of being alone, fear, doubt, insecurity, lies, betrayal, emptiness, and loneliness seep into what feels like every part of me. As I describe this PLACE to myself, I feel as though I could allow myself to get trapped here because it becomes familiar. However, experiencing joy and life before draws me out again and again. I remember who God truly is.

" Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. -Hebrews 13:8

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken." -Psalm 62:5-6

          I recall memories of us and I begin to remember God's goodness in the times we shared together. I can hear voices and footsteps above while I visit this PLACE below. It sounds like a joyous and happy place, somewhere I long to be. I enter into THE PLACE when I allow my grief to consume me. This is a PLACE where I enter into when I feel as though God has abandoned me and left me to fend for myself in this dark world. I write these words to put a picture to how it feels to fully embrace this grief. It's when I reach this PLACE that I take a look at myself and see just how badly I want to join everyone upstairs but can't figure out how. Some of my friends have even come down to this PLACE to be with me. They remind me that I am not any of those things I am choosing to believe and that God is behind me, in front of me, right next to me, and sometimes even carrying me through this dark PLACE. It's a feeling of frustration where, "life falls short of my expectations I insist that things should be different." -The Feeling Good Handbook I must remind myself of the truth that there is hope in the Lord.

                                

         I have to give myself my I pep talk to remind myself just how far I have come. I look back at where I used to be and that's about far as a I get. I try to look at where I am now and think I should be farther. I struggle to expand grace to myself. If this were anyone else going through something similar, I would not use the words I use on myself: "you should be farther","pick yourself up and dust yourself off", "suck it up buttercup"-as Kyle would tell me to do. These words would be harsh and cruel to tell my grieving friend. Yet these are the exact words I speak to myself. I have a hard time seeing truth in the midst of everything going on. I struggle to look toward the future because the last time I did, well everything fell apart. It's hard to write these words when I feel such a deep sorrow and sadness but here we are. They need to be said, maybe for myself or maybe for someone else who truly doesn't know how to put words to their thoughts, feeling, sorrow, or grief. I promise you, with Christ there is hope.
        It does tend to feel like I don't even recognize who I am. I know that Abbey is still in there but it's just a different Abbey. I am constantly learning at what giving myself grace looks like as I mentioned before. I scream, cry, and just feel left confused by this whole tragedy that not only struck my life but also many other loved ones and friends. I know I am not the only one grieving here. Kyle didn't just impact my life and for that and I am reminded of the main purpose we are here on earth. It is to love the Lord with all our hearts and to love others. Kyle did a great job at displaying that. He lived life to the fullest, took risks, and adventured as much as he possibly could. He lived the "dream" that so many envy. If he had never pursued his dream then we would have never met. I am so glad we both took that leap of faith and moved ourselves here. I am thankful that we met. There was a reason for it. There was a reason we dated the length of time we did and yet another reason we planned our wedding. I would do it again in a heartbeat if it meant that I could spend one more minute with him. I absolutely love Kyle. He taught me what it looked like for a man to pursue, love, care, and cherish me. He has forever changed my life and I am thankful.
       So, I really don't know where to go from here besides fixing my eyes upon the Lord. I run through my head what he might tell me. The only thing I keep coming up with is RUN to God. The Lord is my strength and refuge. He is my stronghold and anchor. God is the only one who can calm me as the storm rages around me. Kyle was always my biggest encouragement, he always pointed me back to Christ, and without him, I feel as though the wind in my sail has been striped away. I am not entirely sure how to get that back or even how to get out of that PLACE I tend to visit.
        I can't help but think of myself and how hard this is for me, yet at the same time how selfish I must be for thinking this is hard. It really is a vicious cycle. I don't always know the balance that needs to take place, and for that, it makes it all the much harder for people to approach me, get into my boat, or even be around me. I feel bad for not being able to pour into others, or I get frustrated for how quickly I shut down and get tired. I want to be able to help others help me, but as I spoke to a friend this week, the words, "maybe it is okay to let them struggle." It goes both ways, I can't always be there for others and likewise for me, someone can't be there for me ALL the time. Only the God can supply all we NEED. It just might look different from what we DESIRE.

    

              This wound that is trying to heal is there daily. It hurts, needs to be cleaned, and at times I let it go without taking care of it in the right way. I change the bandages that seep with blood. It sometimes consumes me, brings me to my knees, and at times knocks the wind out of me. I deeply appreciate everyone who asks how I am doing. Please keep checking up on me, pray that I can become more like Christ through all this. Just know this is such a process and most of the time I am seriously just trying to figure it out. I do it wrong sometimes. I push people away when I need them the most, I get so caught up in myself that I lose sight of others, and for that I apologize.
        I have more than enough on my plate right now but I am trying to walk it out faithfully. The first week ranks high of being the most difficult week I have experienced since December. There were several weeks that have been hard but coming back here without him just wrecked me. I didn't even know how to prepare and looking back, I don't even know what would have helped. I was not ready to fly back alone, do the grocery shopping, meal prep, and move back into my old room. It feels I have been hit by a freight train repeatedly. This is just something I need to face I suppose. I look forward to teaching again this year, hopefully graduate with my masters, coach basketball, and be the friend I can be when my friends need me to be there for them. I want to love others and love them well. I am constantly working on learning who I am. I miss the Abbey that I used to be but at the same time I am excited to see how going through the fire will help shape and make me this redefined Abbey. I struggle and am learning every day.
        I really do get it that people all grieve differently. There really is not a book for this. There have been books written to help and encourage in some way. The only book that has truly helped me is the Word of God. I am thankful for the Bible and for the people whose stories are written down where I can look back and not feel completely alone in this mess. King David's words have spoken to my heart more than once on this journey. Also, it's our stories that others can learn from, receive encouragement, or be challenged by. So as I say, "SHARE YOUR STORY." It really truly matters.