Doing the Hard

"My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. If the scar is so deep, so was the love." -beautythings

How do you go about daily life without constantly falling apart? People say that time heals the wounds. Well this wound may heal but I NEVER want to NOT feel the PAIN or cry the TEARS when it hits. I want to remember who I loved so deeply and never forget how our beautiful mess helped shape me to be the woman I am today.

I ask questions suchs as: Are the waves getting farther and farther apart? Am I healing and moving on? Am I just doing the daily life to try to make sense of what is left? Am I just being selfish becuase he is constantly on my mind? Am I just having a hard time letting go?

On the opposite side of it all I tell myself phrases suchs as: Other people have it WAY harder than you. You aren't healing. You should be happier than you are. You are just having a bad attitude. People don't want to keep hearing the same story over and over again.

Well lies come and they go and guess what? Lies come back again and again. So what you going to do about them? How do you take care of the lies that you are faced with? You find the TRUTH. You seek the Lord whole heartedly. You run into His loving arms.

I picture a child needing a hug from their earthly father. The child is crying in search of her daddy. She so desperately needs to be held. She sees him and runs into his big strong arms. She is safe for that moment. The world seems like less of a "bad" place. The same goes for our Heavenly Father. He so deeply wants us to know how loved we are. He wants us to run into His loving arms fully trusting in who He says He is. Yet, time and time again we try to face this whole world ALL on our OWN. Why? Is it worth it?

I do not feel like I am who I used to be when Kyle was here. He brought the best out in me, you couldn't wipe the smile off my face nor his. Now it feels challenging to smile and find the joy each day. All the grief, all the pain, all the hurt, all the tears, everything involved in this healing process is always right there on the front door step waiting to come in.

If you have read any of my other blogs, then you know that I have been working on being transparent. Some people may think it is ridiculous that I put my life out here for others to read. Do not worry, I don't share EVERYTHING. I share what I feel the Lord has laid upon my heart.

So this week, I know that there was definitely a spiritual battle going on around me. I didn't see it until I was talking to a friend this weekend. I had no idea why I felt the way I did. I just thought life had caught up with me and I didn't know how to process it all. SERIOUSLY people there is a spiritual war waging around us. We are not exempt just because we are doing the hard. Just because I am grieving and have lost so much in the past 11 months, there is still an enemy just waiting to take me down. Honestly, sometimes I go down without a fight, other times, I use everything I have to stand up against him in order to not get beaten down. I NEED friends to come along side me and help pick up the pieces. I NEED to let others in. I am thankful I have friends who will do the HARD with me. The friends who are willing to GET IN my boat and not leave me stranded.

Now looking back at how I felt, as if I was being attacked by lie after lie, I realize there was more of a distraction. I was so distracted that I was NOT able to pour into others, let alone be around people. I struggle with being NOT KNOWN. Kyle was amazing at knowing exactly what I needed when I needed it. Whether it be a hug, food, a listening ear, constructive criticism, he just knew. That is COMPLETELY gone. I have friends who "get" me and that is so helpful but none of them are Kyle. If you have ever loved someone so incredibly much, had a great relationship with them, and continually sought after Christ, and then all of a sudden it was completely striped away then you can understand how I feel. If you have not I pray you never feel the pain and lost hope I face every single day. Within the first 30 minutes of my day, I have 1 of 3 thoughts. 1. Kyle should be next to me. 2. My best friend is dead. 3. Kyle is never coming back. Any or all 3 thoughts run through my head every single morning. 

Now here's the thing, though I recognize the war, I know where my thoughts are originating from, I am doing the hard. I just need to share, maybe for myself or for someone out there needs to read this. I don't really know but for those of you who read this, there is HOPE.

John Piper said, "Occasionally, weep deeply over the life that you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life that he has given you." "The Bible gives us permission to weep deeply over the life we hoped we would have, and to not feel ashamed of that hope or disappointment. It is okay to grieve those losses and feel that pain." -The Hidden Grief of Singleness Sometimes people sum up how I feel way better than I ever could. 

 LIFE IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR!!! YOU ARE DOING THE HARD!!! 

Transparency

The infamous question, "How are you doing?" Don't we all love that question? Especially when we can sense that the person is asking out of obligation, duty, or just because that is the "normal' way to interact with other people? Don't worry, I am not going to be a negative person about social interactions and how people should be. It's just a question I am asked over and over again and I have to navigate how to answer the question with honesty and truth. I do NOT like to brush it off and just say that I am fine. I feel as though that would be an absolute lie. Majority of the time, I am processing. I am processing my ability as a teacher, my interactions with others, what I need to do next, I am processing how last December's tragedy intertwines with my daily life. So it kind of is a loaded question when someone asks me how I am doing. I do appreciate the thought though.

So how do you be transparent yet keep mentally sane and not come completely undone every time someone genuinely wants to know how you are doing? Well it probably looks different for everyone. Isn't that just nice? It's like grieving. There is no book that can tell you exactly what it looks like. People can tell you how they have done it or faced it but each situation and person is completely different. It is kind of nice that no one can hold you to a specific standard. But in response to the infamous question, it's worth letting people into your boat and sharing with them. We are all facing some sort of giant in our lives. Why not let safe people in? Why not find someone to help you face yours?

We are not required to do this life alone. We have people around us who care and love. It might not always look like what YOU WANT but it might just be what YOU NEED. I know there are days where I can't face them alone. There aren't specific memories or reminders that "hit" me, it just depends on everything going on. For instance this weekend there were so many "triggers" that just kept building up. It can range from a familiar smell that reminds me of him or a song that I hear. It could be a friendly conversation between friends that reminds me of what is "missing" in my life. It might even look like me missing the support and encouragement that he provided on a daily basis. Or the biggest one, that I just miss his hugs and daily presence. So as I keep on "doing" each day, I am reminded that I am NOT alone. I tell myself that it is okay to NOT be okay.

So the moments I stand in my kitchen and it just hits me, he won't be coming over today. I see pictures of him and the tears can't be held back. They begin to roll down my face and all I want to do is hide my emotions. As my roommate, Asha, works on jewelry in the kitchen, she looks at me and sees how much I am hurting. Normally, I would go hide in my room and just cry alone but today I knew I had to be transparent. I needed to be honest with where I am at in life. I can't hide it anymore. I NEED to let her in. It's the constant reminder that I never got to marry him and NEVER will. NEVER is an absolute. Sometimes I don't know what to do with that. I'll NEVER see him again. I'll NEVER hold his hand again. I'll NEVER pray with him again. I understand there is plenty going for me. I know how much the Lord has provided in and for my life. I am truly blessed and fully loved. I get that, but it does not negate my feelings I have for Kyle. She listens, hugs, and reminds me that it is okay to not be okay.

I have flashbacks to fond memories and stories of him and I together. I share them over and over again because that is when I am truly smiling. Every time I talk about him, it brings a smile to my face and I light up. For instance, August  5th, 2016-Kyle called me from the sat phone at 1 am. It had only been a day but it hit me for how much I miss him. Not like when I was dating before, as in I needed or was obsessed, with Kyle. I just want to be around him and love him. I want this same desire for Kyle but for the Lord. I cried that night because I was SO happy and surprised. He couldn't get out to fly because the weather was so crappy so he called me. I was beyond happy. When I was praying that day, I asked the Lord to just allow him to call so I could hear from him. The later it got the more I realized that it wasn't going to happen but of course he surprised me. Kyle could bring a smile to my face just by being present in my life. It was only a call and it brought so much comfort, joy, and happiness. I love that man so incredibly much and I am not ashamed to tell ya'll!

I continually see how the Lord is working at just the right moment in my life. I see how my heart is being softened and more willing to share  where I am at in life. It comes down to learning how to trust again. Trust others with my very tender heart that has not even come to close to be fully healed. It is a daily process. Some lyrics come to mind that sum up where I want to be in life, "This is my story, this is my song. Praising my Savior all the day long." Though I may not feel like this every day, I am reminded that my grandmother used to love this song and make these words evident in her life. I am thankful Kyle is able to meet her in heaven. Both of them faced hardships understanding what it looked like to hold on to their Savior. They loved so well. My grandmother was tough and a no nonsense type of woman and I can't help but think that I am so similar to her. I remember words of wisdom she shared with me over the years, the example she had in my life. I miss her as well but am thankful for the memories I have with her. Though people pass from this earth, memories remain. The pain slowly disappears into pieces of thoughts and fond memories. You remember the good and block out the negative. You speak of them because you never want to forget.

In one of my books today's reading referenced

James 1:1-2

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, becuase you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God., who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable. Believers in humble circumstances out to take pride in their position. But the rich should take pride in their humiliation since they will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business. Blessed is the one who persevers under trial becuase, having stood the test, that person will recieve the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. Don't be deceived, my hear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does NOT change life shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be kind of first-fruits of all He created."

But Why?

The question word why is a one I hear on a regular basis. Being a teacher and asking/telling my students to do something, they ask me why? Sometimes I stop to explain the reason as to why but other times I use the famous line, "because I said so." It makes me think of my relationship with the Lord. He does not always tell me why even when I ask Him a million times. I ask my friends and family the same thing, but as frustrating as it is, they have no idea either.

This hits home today as I begin writing a new chapter in this "book" I am writing in this life. Hopefully, there will actually be a book one day that I actually sit down and write, but for now I continue blogging. As I sit in prayer and spend time with the Lord, the question "Why?" has been used countless times. It hit me again as I read through my Bible that was so graciously presented to me by my friends this December. For those of you who don't know what I am talking about, Kyle and I decided that we wanted to have a Bible that people could write in as a our guest book at our wedding. So my friends bought me one and set it up at his celebration of life here in Port Alsworth. People could highlight a verse or share a word of wisdom encouragment. I look forward to filling it up more and more as time goes on and the Lord continues to reveal His truth, mercy, and grace in my life through others.

So as I flipped through it today, I came across what my big brother wrote to me. "I don't know why" are within the first several words. Ben had written by the story of Job and this particular chapter resonates very deeply with me. Chapter 42- "Then Job replied, "I know you can do anything, and no one can stop you. You asked, "Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?" It is I and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me. You said, "Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them." I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance." Job recognized that undeniable sovereignty that the Lord has. 

In the devotional next to chapter 42, it discusses that questioning is not necessarily a bad thing, rather asking the Lord what is going on to say that curiosity should not cause doubt in the Lord. "Walking by faith means walking wherever the Lord leads you." Sometimes that means it might feel uncomfortable, hard, discouraging, challenging, frustrating, amazing, joyous, peaceful, rewarding, or even encouraging. It goes back to a phrase I love to use, "We don't need to know what the future holds, as long as we know the One who holds the future."

So as the 7th this month approached, I lived life as full as I could. I didn't give up when it felt hard. I didn't just hide away from the world this time. I embraced it head on and month 9 was unbearably hard. That will be for another blog. I felt as if I was grasping at something just hold onto. If we go back to the sea analogy, I was in the middle of the storm and I felt less than calm. Or we could pick the working out analogy where you are trying to do push ups and your arms are shaking to get just ONE more. You feel as though you want to give up and you realize you are digging deep. You do it, you have been doing it, you are going to continue doing it. That is totally me. A friend and I were talking and as I looked at them, I said, "I can't do this!" They said, "Abbey, you are doing this." Oh yeah, don't we all kind of need to be reminded that we are doing the "hard" and "tough" on a daily basis?

Over these past 10 months, I have been saying how much I want to sleep at the cabin but I just don't know if that would be a good thing to do or not. Finally, Asha asked me if I was going to go through with it. At 11pm we packed up everything we needed and drove over.

With much laughter and preperation, we made ourselves cozy in the cabin. I started and tended the fire, we did a foot soak, discussed fond memories of Kyle, and prayed together. I recently have been told that it is just a cabin, yes, I know. It isn't so much about the cabin as it is me processing through lost hope of being able to live there as Kyle`s wife. I understand that the cabin will not always be a part of my life and thats okay, just as long as I have been able to process through the emotions and feelings I have had. I am just processing through letting go, yet cherish it all. I understand that my life will have new beginnings. I see myself finding a lovely and cute home. It will not be the same as how I pictured it before. I will keep on learning, loving, and growing. Kyle, is NOT my life, becuase in Colossians 3:4-"Christ is your life" so anytime I say that something is MY life, then I am mistaken. My job, traveling, being liked, sports, whatever fills the blank is NOT my life.

I keep coming back to the phrase OPEN HANDS AND A WILLING HEART. That is a challenging prayer to pray as I am not sure what that will bring about in my life. The last 10 months has been extremely quick, hard, slow, and yet unbelievable real. I have been working through the aspects of grieving, being present, yet continually moving forward. So when you feel like giving up and keep saying, "I can`t" just remember that you are.