Sunday, May 7, 2017

The Realizations

I am so broken, yet so loved. At times I feel as though I can't do all this, I feel like I say something I shouldn't have, or responded in a way that was less than appropriate, I realize I need to give myself grace. I fall to my knees and also realize how desperately I need the Lord. I have those moments more now than ever before where I just feel "off" as if I am not myself. I don't feel as though I am running at full capacity and that bothers me. I am seeing more of my weakness than ever before.

I find myself spinning my "wheels" because it doesn't make sense to me. I get frustrated that I don't have it together or that my grief hasn't taken a deeper level of healing. As I review this today I see that grief hits harder some times than other times. It might be a few days that I find the joy and enjoy the memories and other times I cry multiple times a day. I feel mind "fog." I cry out to the Lord, (as if my screaming and shouting is needed). I feel as though I am talking to myself sometimes and He really isn't answering my questions. I want to make sense of everything and at the same time I don't care to. I know that this may never make sense so I just keep processing all the while.

I find myself at crossroads. The road in front is labeled long, painful at times, life giving. To the right I see detour ahead, as if I should take the road that might be longer but less rocky in the beginning. To the left I see it marked with bright lights, fun adventures, distractions and yet another detour. The road behind me is marked dead end. I try each of these roads for a short while. Each day I walk them longer than other days. I run occasionally and sometimes even hitch a ride with someone else depending where they are headed and the road they have chosen.

This life, the daily, future plans, and everything going on are constantly moving forward. I drag my feet and put up a good fight sometimes, and yet every time I do I am brought back to my knees. I begin to realize how I don't have it all together, how broken I truly am, and how desperately I need the Lord each step of the way. The Lord has been gracious to me as I continue to pursue my masters degree, continue teaching, and finish this school year strong. I miss my biggest fan and supporter through all of this.

All I have left are the memories I try to recreate in my mind over and over again. I look at pictures and I can't explain the pain I feel. The feeling that he is no longer here. My heart hurts so badly and even though I know the Lord is working to pick up each piece, it doesn't change the fact that I still feel. I have been listening to a song called "Feel it All." I definitely try to do that but it wrecks me and most likely in a good way too.

Some of what I have written above is not all from today. It is a mixture of several entries over the past 5 months. Today I look back and realize quite a bit.

  • He isn't coming home
  • He always has and always with love me
  • I thought I knew pain 
  • I am loved by so many people around the world
  • I am strong in my weakness

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