"Blessed are they that mourn and I accepted it. I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not in imagination." I think this is where I get hung up with what C. S. Lewis processes through in his writing A Grief Observed.
I knew everything to be one way, yet I knew that life would bring about changes. I never had a problem with knowing there would be heartbreak, fear, worry, doubt, or change. They had all become part of my vocabulary even at a young age. So why does everything seem bigger now? I question. A LOT. I doubt myself, others, and truth that I have known for years. Why? Because my face smacked on the cement? Does that give me the right to question everything I once believed to be true about my Lord and Savior? I didn't get my way and therefore I selfishly throw a fit? Is that what grief is? Is that what I am doing? I'd like to believe that I am not just throwing a fit. I am learning since I have never done this before.
To me it is a reminder of knowing someone for years and thinking they are the exactly same way when you see them years later. You spend time with them thinking they will be the same old person you once knew. However, their lives continued just as much as mine has, yet I nievely believe that change is unattainable for that person because I remember them one way. It is hard to accept the change, even though it can be a good one. Yes, change can reverse and people can digress as well. I am so quickly reminded that I am not even close to understanding all the happenings in this world. I so desperately want to know, but I get tired of trying to undersrand it all. I can't rationalize how I feel as though God has somehow changed now that something tragic has happened in my life.
It is a similar way of being told truth that cuts you to your core. Or having that one person ask you a question you were unprepared to answer. The question of how long is too long? What is healthy for you? What is your plan? Well as I recall the last time I made any large plans, they all seemed to have fallen apart. I trusted wholeheartedly and walked out the path before me. It was the correct path but it didn't end how I wanted. So the reality I so desperately wanted to come about was abruptly ended. It is the accepting it all that is difficult for me. It is accepting that hard truth. The truth I circle around and around. Kyle is not returning.
I hold on. I say just give me time. I have those things I am not ready to move forward from. It is my ring. I feel a sense of closeness. Not to the ring itself but to what it represents. Not only was it an amazing gift but it reminds me of what was going to come about. I HAVE to acknowledge what has happened like the change in people for better or worse, acknowledge that I feel as though God is not who He says He is, or acknowledging that I feel so lost making decisions without Kyle. I continue to acknowledge the questions, feelings, and thoughts and keep moving forward. I find the turth that people can change for the better, that God is truly who He says He is, and that I am capable of making positive and beneficial choices for my life without having Kyle's input.
It's funny becuase I do not know about you, but I can feel the stagnant in me. I just don't know how to fix it or sometimes I don't even want to do something about it. I am sure you would say come on Abbey. Just take care of it. Make it better. Fix it. Yeah, that is all great but I become stuck and am not sure which way to go. I become frustrated at God through all my questioning and confusion. I know life is better with God than without Him. Is it because I just don't want to go to hell? I don't think that is the sole reason. I truly want God to be the center of my life. I have tasted that. I tasted it's sweetness the moment I found out Kyle, Scott, Kaitlyn, and Zach were dead. There was nothing left to hold onto but my Savior. The world seemed to slow itself for me. I felt I could process very little and the Lord`s protection was clearly over me. It seemed much simpler when Kyle was alive. I had someone calling me out, I had someone challenging me, I trusted Kyle to point me back to the Lord. I am not saying I had a "good" relationship with God because of Kyle. I am simply saying, I had an amazing counterpart who loved the Lord his God with everything he had in him. For that I am thankful.
So how does one go about getting out of the line of entrapment? First I believe that is why we are called the body of Christ. We are not to do it all alone. When I try, it always turns out badly. We are called to love one another, to speak truth in love, we are called to do our part in the body whatever that is. I am thankful for friends who don't just leave me how they find me. I know it must seem hard to tell me, Abbey, what to do. It isn't that I know everything, I am just a determined person who lives life hard and confidently. When there is something I need to do it, then you better believe I will. So it makes it even harder for my friends to speak truth into my life and call me out on my crap. I promise I am not purposefully trying to be a pain about it. I deeply want people to speak into my life so I can sift through everything said in order to process and see from another's perspective. I know it can be done becuase I allowed Kyle to do it. Along with several other friends that I have developed that kind of relationship with.
Over the past year I have changed. I have pushed hard. I haven't stopped. There was no doubt in my mind that I was to teach, coach, and continue with my masters even when I had people question me as to what I was doing. I was asked it if was healthy for me. I felt overwhelmed but boy did I learn from it all. I struggled but where I lacked the Lord filled in for me. Why? Honestly, if I those weren't in my life, I am afraid that I might have sunk into depression pretty deep, possibly to a point that would take drastic measure to pull me out. That is just pure speculation on my part not actually knowing why I felt compelled to do such a crazy thing. Or perhaps I wasn't ready to process everything going on in my life and I needed distractions. Either way, I have slipped in and out of the feeling of being depressed but I have taken measures to balance my body and mind.
My ways of working through this whole process have been keeping busy and maintaining a purpose such as my career, school, and coaching. It was finding a grievance counselor and talking to her on a monthly basis. It was finding people I could trust to be vulnerable with again without fear of making a fool out of myself. Thank you to those of you who have juat listened to my ramblings. You know who you are. I will be the first to admit I am an emotional female that lacks understanding of why I respond the way I do. I am trying to understand myself better though, and I can say that has happened. I have found specific triggers. I have learned who I can and cannot go deep with. Prayer, prayer, prayer. Oh and asking others to pray for me. It is humbling for sure. Also, I NEED to be in the word, yet that is where I am still trying to improve on. So if you want to pray for me, there is a perfect place to start.
Now here is the thing, if you are reading this and you are grieving, I can promise you that it will not look the same as how I am grieving. I just hope that if you are reading this, you can learn more about my processes of grieving, my Savior that I love with everything I have in me, and how God has worked in and through my life over the past year. I am not defined by my grief and loss of my best friend - fiance - Kyle. I am simply trying to figure out how to go about grieving, not lose myself to grief, and build a stronger relationship with those around me, and most importantly with my Heavenly Father.