Patient Endurance

"What could be better than working to bring out the best in one another?"

Through the past 6 months of grieving, processing, examining myself, and reassessing how I view life, it has all been extremely insightful and convinciting. As silly as it sounds but tiny little ants were a catalyst for this thought above. Have you ever slowed down enough to watch ants? They are quite fascinating. If you were to ask my students I would hope they would be able to tell you that ants can carry more than their body weight. As I was watching one ant carry a fellow ant to their home, it brought to mind how we are to help each other through this life. However, there are theses lingering questions. Why am I so alone? Why don't people reach out to me? How come I have no friends?

Well, there is an active enemy that wants us to feel those feelings of abandonment, loneliness, single, or cornered and left to ourselves. How do we prepare? Armor yourselves by putting on the armor of God. It isn't just a one time thing rather a daily practice. As soon as you stop you become weaker. It reminds me of working out. If you want to be physically fit, look good, or what have you, there must be a daily work out. It's not only to maintain but to build strength and endurance. It's not a 1 time thing. The same goes for our relationship with the Lord. If you want to continually get stronger in your faith or walk with God, you must do your part in reading His word, pray without ceasing, love others, and love the Lord.

Since Christianity is not a religion rather a relationship we need to be in constant communication with our Heavenly Father. That comes through having a conversation with the Lord. It is the verse of praying without ceasing. It reminds me of how Kyle lived his life. He would tell me or ask me if I talked to the Lord ALL the time. I would tell him that I forget, or get busy, I talk to Him in the really good/bad. I was always impressed with his relationship with God. It was so raw and real. I need to practice the constant conversation like Kyle had with the Lord.

So as I continually learn and grow through all of this and Kyle's example of pure hunger for more, I have felt alone, lonely, on my own, or the single factor has sunk in at times. I am not above these feelings even if I am a strong woman or post smiling pictures of how God is working in me. I feel as I fall through the cracks of life and business. During these times I forget everything that I am preaching right now and have to remind myself that no matter if every person in my life that cares is gone, I still have the Lord. I remind myself that I am cared for and loved beyond measure. I am far from perfect or having it all together because I am trying to figure this all out on a daily basis.

Fast forward a month or so as I sat with my cousin Brittany, today here in Malaysia, we discussed many of these topics I had just written about a month or so ago up in the first few paragraphs. I didn't know we would have a similar conversation as to what I had been processing over and over again. She just sat and listened to story after story. She thanked me for sharing, she cried with me, she pushed through my tough barrier I built up to protect myself, she prayed for me. She was a perfect reminder of how much God desires to have that kind of relationship with each one of us.

We discussed many topics but what stood out to the both of us is that we get so caught up in the choas. Whether tragedy, grief, work, friends, adventure, or even our own thoughts that it is so easy to forget where to go when it is chaotic. Sometimes it takes a simple nudge and other times it takes a shove to get back to full surrender to the Lord and releasing all control to Him.

I have to say thank you to my friends and family who have text, called, wrote me notes, prayed, encouraged, came to visit, and everyone who chooses to "get in my boat" and listen to me process. All of you have made this process doable. You have come along side me to carry my burdens, the pain, grief, sorrow, and loss. It goes back to the ants and how they carry each other or carry more than their body weight for the benefit of the colony. Why does it take so much effort for us to come along side each other when it should be a simple and natural reaction?

Leave them better than when you met them

This phrase runs through my head, especially when I meet people. I want to live this life with this motto as the push behind me. We are called to love the Lord and love others. I want to love others and step outside myself for others. It's definitely not my go to but the more the practice the more it becomes a strength. It goes back to working out. If you want a muscle to become stronger you use it and work out. I feel that it comes full circle. If this whole grief processing has taught me anything, it is to let a lot of circumstances, people's feelings and thoughts, frustrations, worries, just let go. A lot of what we tend to focus on is the negative (or at least for me it used to be) and now all I want to do is focus on the positives, joys, and excitement other people have.

Praise the Lord

Praise the Lord oh my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name. Psalm 103:1

When I stop to really think about where I am at in life, I am humbled and yet broken. Inside me, my fire rages on to explore and seek life. The outlying factors of the world around me consume and rob joy AT TIMES., but only AT TIMES. I get caught up and worrisome, filled with fear and anger. I develop a rough exterior that keeps people at a distance. Yet, when I am forced to face the reality of life and grief, it brings me to my knees, it knocks the wind out of me, makes my stomach tie itself in knots, and sometimes hinders me from being fully honest with myself. When I allow the tears to roll and my heart to be moved by stories of the Lord's goodness in my life, this is when the Lord can truly work in and through me.

These moments of complete and utter vulnerability and honesty is where I find rest and healing. The moments when I talk about Kyle and our relationship to those who have never heard it before, sparks a light in my eye of the love we shared. I get giddy, happy, and love remembering the good times Kyle and I had together. I am reminded of how the Lord has protected me in my life over and over again. I see his provision and opportunity for me to walk in a life that is filled with awe and wonder. I see what it looks like to walk in grace and truth with others but more importantly to learn how to have grace upon myself on a daily basis. I am learning how to continually speak truth over my mind and body as I heal mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. God is at work no matter where I am, whether half way around the world or not.

Most of you know I am in Malaysia. This trip is truly a gift from the Lord because I have been thinking about coming here for a couple years now and it finally happened. I mentioned to Kyle last year that I wanted to go and how him and I could potentially go visit my family together. He was all excited to travel with me and explore more of the world around us. Even though we will never travel together again, I know that without a doubt, he is proud of me for always stepping up and moving forward. As Brittany and I traveled here, I was overwhelmed with emotions. I have bawled countless times in the past several days, could be part jet lag and exhaustion but I say it is me letting my guard down a bit. I am thankful for having such a loving family in my life who enters into such emotional times and encourages me by speaking truth to me.

My family has been here in Malaysia for many years now and I am thankful to have had family around the world where I am welcomed anytime. Nicky and Barb have opened their home to me where I feel at home. I was welcomed with open and loving arms. They desire to get to know me, listen to the story I have to share, pray over me and my loved ones, and share truth with me as I walk through this journey of healing. Each one of them have an amazing testimony of the Lord's constant hand in their lives. I am encouraged by their love for the Lord and walking in faith on a daily basis. Their stories not only are encouraging to me, but they also challenge me to have bigger faith and live more boldly than I do now. By coming here, I thought I might be running away but that has not been the case so far. Rather I feel as though I am running towards healing. I feel as if this place is a calm and inviting place for me to heal and grow in the Lord. I am surrounded by those who love me and love God even more.



I say praise the Lord not only for being here in Malaysia and being able to travel, but I say it because I have completed another semester of masters classes. I only have one semester left and I am beyond excited to graduate in December. Through this season of schooling, I have struggled to maintain my focus and drive. I have always wanted to be the best and do my best in everything I attempt. I am realizing more and more that being the best is different than doing my best. These past 2 semesters have been exhausting and challenging on so many levels. I have had friends and family encourage me along the way to finish strong. Praise the Lord for the ability to think and process more and more each day. It has been a real struggle and I am thankful it is getting better.

I say praise the Lord for new life. Kyle's sister, my sister now, just had her first baby girl, Piper Kyle. Piper is absolutely beautiful and precious. Piper was born at 2:22pm on 7/27/17. I was moved to tears when Carla (Kyle's mom) text me and said that she can't wait for Piper to meet her Aunt Abbey. Praise the Lord for such love and connection. I am thankful for being able to be her Aunt Abbey. She is truly a gift from the Lord. I am extremely excited to hold her come August when I get to see everyone in Iowa! I am thankful for my new family for opening their home, wanting to spend time with me, and show me Kyle's stomping grounds. They are truly a blessing to have in my life!

I say praise the Lord for friendships new and old ones. For learning how to walk in truth and honesty with one another. The Lord has brought restoration and healing in incredible ways with friends of mine that I never thought would happen. I am learning how to die to self in the way of learning how to love others the way Christ would want me to love them. It is challenging to step outside myself, lay down my wants and needs for the betterment of another. It is amazing how the Lord has used friends to walk beside me in this journey that I thought never thought would be there for me again. Friends who want to enter in the real pain and grief that I face every day. Thank you to those friends for stepping up and being there, your words, love, kindness, and truth hold a lot of meaning in my life right now.

Praise the Lord for beautiful scenery and animals. The house I am staying in has 2 balconies with one facing the ocean and the other facing the jungle. It is truly a gift to see another part of the world. We are staying on a island. It as we begin to embark on our adventures, we have no sense of urgency or need to go at any pace. This type of life is relaxing and stress free. I am awake while everyone back home is asleep and vise versa. It is pleasant to not be attached to my phone as I do not have service and everyone is sleeping. I keep thinking of how it is the little things in life that seem to bring the most joy. The first day I was here, we have about 20 monkeys hanging around the car. My family said that they have never seen such a siting since they have been here. I smile and laugh that I was welcomed by monkeys.

Today, I am filled with thankfulness. Tomorrow may not be the same feelings. Tomorrow may be a time of complete sadness, but each day is new. I do know though that no matter the mindset or feelings I have, the Lord is always with me watching over me. I know that I am healing on all levels. I know that the Lord is faithful and good to me. I know that no matter where I am, I am always loved by Kyle and more importantly I am always loved by my Heavenly Father. So, Praise the Lord today.

The Wedding Day

Today is the day. I am grieving the loss of what was to come. I never got to marry him nor will I ever get to. I never will be able to stand in front of our friends and family and say I DO nor will I ever with him. I so badly want to say those words to him. I wanted to pick out my white dress, have my aunt make my shoes, do wedding planning with my mom and ladies. I wanted to see his face when I walked down the isle.

I didn't know how to write this blog but I have been working on it in sections. I want to share what we had planned and where I would be at in this process of wedding planning. This month of April would have marked the less than 4 months to get married. That is incredible to me, it hurts to think about but at the same time it makes me smile.

I have been preparing for this moment for months now. I'm not sure if that is helpful or not. I have wanted it to hurry up and come so I can face it, but I have not wanted it to come because I knew it was going to be hard to face. I had no idea what I even wanted to do for it, yet I knew that I was not going to let it drag me down. Yet again, I wanted to face it head on and take it as it came. I know there is plenty to read here and I hope that it sheds some light on the the whole situation. I am sure I am missing steps, thoughts, or feelings. I wanted to share with my readers what we planned for July 15th, 2017.

Kyle and I started planning our wedding the second date we went on. We had rings picked out well into June. We couldn't wait to marry one another and begin our life journey together. We were going to do our wedding in the most nontraditional way possible. We wanted to do it the way we wanted to do. He didn't want to wear a tuxedo or suit and when I said that I didn't want him to either he said, "Really?" I replied, "No way, we are totally going casual and relaxed. Wear your baseball cap for our pictures but I like the way you look without the hat." He smiled and agreed that if he didn't have to wear a tuxedo or suit then no hat for the wedding was totally doable. I loved how we communicated and worked with each other. I didn't know he felt so strongly about what he wanted or didn't want to wear but now I know.

We did have a 100% agreement on the venue. In the course of 2 weeks, we didn't have a venue, had 3, then selected our venue. They were all older barn style places with rustic feels, some more than others, but exactly what I was looking for. I remember sitting down at the table with him going over the pros and cons of each venue. He looked at me and asked which one I wanted. I told him I wanted the 3rd choice, he said that he agreed, and then we just sat there. After a few seconds-minutes we realized what we had just said to each other. I looked at him and said, "We just picked our venue!" We were so excited that we called several people and shared our BIG news with them. Mind you he hadn't "officially" asked me to marry him. It doesn't even matter because I was already committed to him wholeheartedly. We made some calls and people thought we had gotten engaged. I laugh at all of this and our silly selves but I also cry because it hurts. It hurts that he isn't here to finish the planning. Our planning came to a screeching halt December 7th. It feels like running into a brick wall repeatedly.

Now that it is June, I have been home for 3 weeks and I look backwards and forwards today. I am so thankful for my mom, dad, Aunt Mimi, and Uncle Gary who took a drive to each place in order to find us a venue. They would send Kyle and I pictures that my uncle would take, thank goodness he is a photographer. They would tell us all the pros and cons and all the details about each place. Kyle and I weighed the options. This place was found through Facebook on my Aunt Mimi's Facebook page, she liked it, sent it to my mom, and they send it to Kyle and me. The name: Homestead Blessings. Name says it all, it was a blessing indeed. This venue had just opened up to the public this year. The only other people who were married here was 1 of the family members who was partially running the buinsess. This brought me so much excitement as I am not a traditional one, I don't like being like everyone else, and I am always looking for something unique. Kyle understood that about me more than anyone every has. I loved how well he harnessed and encouragd my individuality. So this is the venue below. I of course cancelled our booking but I just absolutely love this place.

This picture makes me realize that this is where we would be standing saying, "I do." Or where he would be looking at me as I walk down the isle. It is insane to think that I was going to marry my best friend. Marry the man who knew me so well. I can only imagine the smile on his face that day.

Our lists were done for everyone we planned to invited. I had already told my bridesmaids who I wanted to have in the wedding and he told his groomsmen who he planned to have stand up there for him. We were going to have Trina my cousin/sister/best friend be my Matron of Honor and Jess, Kyle's sister and my new sister be my Maid of Honor. For him he would have had his best friend J.D., my brother and his new brother Ben, and our friend Jon from out here in Port Alsworth. (If he would have been able to make it) ;) I am glad that we did that together and we had concrete plans set in place.

We wanted to pick a bakery that would have made all of our specific doughnuts instead of having cake or cupcakes. We planned to have:

• Boston Creme
• Chocolate Glazed
• Plain Glazed
• White Frosting with sprinkles (my favorite)
• Powdered Jelly
• Chocolate Eclaire
• Maple Glazed
• Plane
• Blueberry
• Wedding colored icing
• Cinnamon and Sugar
• Pumpkin
• Coconut

We so planned a wedding that was totally our own, everything had meaning to us or was relevant to where we lived. So we were doing 13 types of doughnuts for the 13 months we would have dated before we got married. We were always trying to be cute like that. Hehe

My favorite part of our story was that we would have dated for a year, a month, and a week from the first time we said that we had been dating to the day we got married. When we picked the date, we didn't even know it was so exact and precise. Kyle brought it to my attention and we were both filled with excitement, giggles, and laughter. How I love the fact he loved the simple things in life with me.

Now, I was not home yet to go wedding dress shopping but I did do some extensive pintrest looking. I showed him several ideas of what I was thinking. Nothing was set in stone or agreed upon. Even though Kyle would not have been picking the dress out with me, I tried to keep him in the loop with everything but that is one thing I wanted to surprise him with. So fast forward to a few weeks before us getting married. I posed the question, "What kind of dress is a consolation to a wedding dress?" Well the answer is, "none." However, the way I view circumstances and trying to make lemonade out of the lemons I was given, I went shopping. Of course I tried to find "The Dress." That of course didn't quite happen, instead I found 3 outfits/dresses and I might try to find one more. Now the reason I share is because I'm frugal. Kyle called it something else but I think he would have appreciated my shopping this time. Long story short I was texting my matron of honor and maid of honor pictures of all the dresses I tried on. For now, I don't plan to try on wedding dresses, nor did I get to, but I did have fun trying on dresses for a day and shopping around with my ladies who would have been there anyway. Thankful for a mother who is willing to go make this special even when it feels like such a tragedy. She has been more than suportive during this whole process.

I also decided to take some steps in making this time special since I wouldn't be getting married this summer. I have traveled around visiting many friends and family. I went dress shopping with my mom but instead of wedding dress shopping, we went and found 3 fun dresses I could wear the wedding weekend. My mom made sure to have plans for this weekend in order to get me out of the house and celebrate in a way Kyle would be proud. So, we decided to head to the beach this weekend. As she made plans, she ended up picking the same beach that I took Kyle to for the first east coast beach that he has ever been to.

This time has been filled with many hugs, laughter, and just having a good time. My heart hurts deeply for the fact I won't be marrying my best friend. It feels like it hasn't even sunk in. It hits me hard and then other times I just keep on keeping on. The people we have run into here have asked why we are here. Our response, "girls weekend." It's true but it shouldn't be what I'm doing this weekend. Honestly, this whole blog might be me rambling, but I think it was healing for me to write.

I love how we were able to tell each other our top favorite things about each other, for me about him: I loved his servant attitude, eyes, the fact that he was a pilot, his beard, smile, outdoors man, adventurer, his humor/sarcasm, and of course the fact that he picked me. For him about me: my heart was number one one his list, my hair, eyes, smile, whit, nature, willingness to try anything, face, and the fact that I am a teacher.

Some of my favorite "You fit the glove. I could spend all night doing nothing with you. Looking at you makes me happy. Seeing you smile makes my day. You make me happy. It makes me excited to talk about the future instead of scared. You're so beautiful. You have no idea how gorgeous you are. I want to show you off to the world and even though we come from different places and are different kinds of people we are one. I care for you so much. I can't wait. #timingiseverything. You are my person. I could hold you forever." "The real beauty you have inside and out trumps every other female." "You're that part of me I'll always need." ❤ "The few hours I spend with you are worth the thousands of hours I spend without you." ❤

These are just some of the words he wrote to me over the past 6 months we were together. Oh how he loved me. And if I could bet, his vow would be along the lines of something like this. He loved me so dang well. I just remind myself of how special he made me feel. How important the little things to me were important to him. He understood me and spoke Abbinese (fast talking, spastic like emotional chatter, filled with silly laughter and quirkiness) We were and will always be #AKsquared. 

Singleness

Yeah, I've been single before, yes, I know what it feels like to just be me. I know it is God and me but still it's just me. I'm always surrounded by friends and family but it's not the same. I've been down this road before, I've operated out of  tremendous hurt, regret, fear, lies, victim status, and a painful mess of a person over the past several years but this time I want it to be different. Kyle did not choose to leave me after he asked me to marry him. He didn't "break up" with me. He didn't just stop talking to me. He pursued me, he loved me, he wanted to be with me, he thought I was worth his time. I don't understand all the inner workings of relationships and I am glad I don't. They are not cookie cutter and clean. Maybe I am just doing it wrong or maybe I am spot on. I just like to invest everything I can into someone I care about. I try to do the same with my friends that are in my life. I would do what I can for them if they needed me to and I want to love them well with the ability I have been given. I want to use this opportunity that I wouldn't have had if Kyle were here. So what does that look like? I'm still waiting to see how it all unfolds but here is a little bit of what I have learned so far over the past 10 years of serious friendship, relationships, and dating.

I have so much to share, plenty to offer, a willingness to be used, especially with how the Lord has brought me to where I am now. I don't want to be selfish and think my life is harder than any others or that I am more Godly than anyone, because of what the Lord has brought me to and through. I simply want the Lord to use me and my story to bring His name glory. I'd be happy to share it with anyone if they wanted to hear it. I want to not play the victim here in this chapter of my life, rather I want to stand up, be strong, and not be shaken by the chaos that swirls around me every single day. I tend to forget who my anchor is and I get thrashed by waves that consume me on a daily basis. 

What's the difference with the relations Kyle and I had? Well, we put the Lord first as much as we humanly could. Kyle and I sought counciling, we prayed every night about our relationship, and our potential future, we would say, "Not our will, not our timing, but yours." Our hearts wanted the Lord to be the center of our relationship. Kyle was amazing at making sure we prayed before we said our goodbyes and goodnights. I deeply long for that connection again and I find it difficult to do on my own sometimes. It reminds me of the verse, "two are better than one." We had high hopes for the future of how the Lord was going to use us together with the mindset that we were going to conquer the world together. We would go flying, we would talk about places that were more remote than where we lived, overseas if that is where we felt called. We wanted to go where felt the Lord was leading us no matter what that looked like. We talked about places that would need a teacher/coach and a pilot/carpenter. Kyle so badly wanted to go on a missions trip and I looked forward to a time where him and I could travel together and be the light in dark places.

SO..........

What now? Where do I go from here? What woman am I? Motherhood? Wife? What is the plan? Who? When? Why again? Haven't I had enough hurt and pain in my life? Why can't I just love someone unconditionally like I feel like I am created to do? Why do I fear? Why do I worry?

I don't want to fit into a category but I know I try to. I want to embrace the ups and downs of this crazy story that is being written but I get so caught up in my thoughts and fears. I want to just go when I hear "go" and I want to stay when I hear "stay." Sometimes I just need to be still and stop trying to figure it all out. The world keeps spinning each day, the sun comes up, and the sun sets whether I want to face the day or not. I am learning how to be present no matter where I am or who I am with. People typically want to be known and loved.

"Be willing to follow wherever the Lord leads. Follow Him wholeheartedly, with glad anticipation quickening your pace. Though you don't know what lies ahead, He knows; and that is enough. Some of His richest blessings are just around the bend; out of, but nonetheless very real. Walk by faith."

These words have stared me in the face lately. Recently I have felt beat up, discouraged, alone, and honestly not so lovable. It is at this time that I come to realize that I am far from alone. I am not forgotten or unlovable. I am fully and completely known by my heavenly Father. Psalm 139:1-16

You have searched me, Lord,

    and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

    you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

    you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

    you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before,

    and you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

    too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

    Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

    if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

    your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

    and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

    the night will shine like the day,

    for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.

David understood what it meant to feel beat up, alone, left in the dark, unsure of what God was doing in his life. David was a sinner and yet the Lord refers to him as, "a man after His own heart." So what made him so special? What was the secret? David sought God, he lamented, he was real and honest with God, David questioned the Lord. David had a relationship with God. David understood in some depth that the Lord had David's best interest in mind even when the times were tough and challenging. So how does this relate to you and me? 

Well, we are all sinners, yet God wants a relationship with us and he does not force Himself upon us. He wants to be wanted by us, He wants to be chosen, and He wants us to get to know Him. Sound familiar? Sounds like a relationship or marriage. That's the desire I had when I was with Kyle. I wanted him to know my idiosyncrasies, to be loved, to sought, and to be known. I miss him here and the role he filled in my life. God hasn't left me, He didn't disappear when Kyle and I were together, no he was active in our lives and He is active in my life right now. My readers please don't allow yourself to be discouraged. You are important even if you aren't with someone. You are loved even when you feel like no one cares. You are always fully known. 

For me right now, it is living in singleness again. I try not to be angry where I am at in life because I know this is where the Lord wants me. I trust that through everything I have encountered in my life, the nasty, gross, sinful, messed up, not perfect, terrible, painful, tearful, among many other terms I have for some of what I have been through, there is still good in it all. I could say, "I don't even have it as hard as some other people." or "They have gone through way worse" It doesn't matter! This is my story that is still being written and no one else can write this story. The same goes for you my reader. It is your story and no one else can write yours for you. You story is important. You are important. Share what God has done in your life even when it hurts and is painful. There is healing.