Singleness

Yeah, I've been single before, yes, I know what it feels like to just be me. I know it is God and me but still it's just me. I'm always surrounded by friends and family but it's not the same. I've been down this road before, I've operated out of  tremendous hurt, regret, fear, lies, victim status, and a painful mess of a person over the past several years but this time I want it to be different. Kyle did not choose to leave me after he asked me to marry him. He didn't "break up" with me. He didn't just stop talking to me. He pursued me, he loved me, he wanted to be with me, he thought I was worth his time. I don't understand all the inner workings of relationships and I am glad I don't. They are not cookie cutter and clean. Maybe I am just doing it wrong or maybe I am spot on. I just like to invest everything I can into someone I care about. I try to do the same with my friends that are in my life. I would do what I can for them if they needed me to and I want to love them well with the ability I have been given. I want to use this opportunity that I wouldn't have had if Kyle were here. So what does that look like? I'm still waiting to see how it all unfolds but here is a little bit of what I have learned so far over the past 10 years of serious friendship, relationships, and dating.

I have so much to share, plenty to offer, a willingness to be used, especially with how the Lord has brought me to where I am now. I don't want to be selfish and think my life is harder than any others or that I am more Godly than anyone, because of what the Lord has brought me to and through. I simply want the Lord to use me and my story to bring His name glory. I'd be happy to share it with anyone if they wanted to hear it. I want to not play the victim here in this chapter of my life, rather I want to stand up, be strong, and not be shaken by the chaos that swirls around me every single day. I tend to forget who my anchor is and I get thrashed by waves that consume me on a daily basis. 

What's the difference with the relations Kyle and I had? Well, we put the Lord first as much as we humanly could. Kyle and I sought counciling, we prayed every night about our relationship, and our potential future, we would say, "Not our will, not our timing, but yours." Our hearts wanted the Lord to be the center of our relationship. Kyle was amazing at making sure we prayed before we said our goodbyes and goodnights. I deeply long for that connection again and I find it difficult to do on my own sometimes. It reminds me of the verse, "two are better than one." We had high hopes for the future of how the Lord was going to use us together with the mindset that we were going to conquer the world together. We would go flying, we would talk about places that were more remote than where we lived, overseas if that is where we felt called. We wanted to go where felt the Lord was leading us no matter what that looked like. We talked about places that would need a teacher/coach and a pilot/carpenter. Kyle so badly wanted to go on a missions trip and I looked forward to a time where him and I could travel together and be the light in dark places.

SO..........

What now? Where do I go from here? What woman am I? Motherhood? Wife? What is the plan? Who? When? Why again? Haven't I had enough hurt and pain in my life? Why can't I just love someone unconditionally like I feel like I am created to do? Why do I fear? Why do I worry?

I don't want to fit into a category but I know I try to. I want to embrace the ups and downs of this crazy story that is being written but I get so caught up in my thoughts and fears. I want to just go when I hear "go" and I want to stay when I hear "stay." Sometimes I just need to be still and stop trying to figure it all out. The world keeps spinning each day, the sun comes up, and the sun sets whether I want to face the day or not. I am learning how to be present no matter where I am or who I am with. People typically want to be known and loved.

"Be willing to follow wherever the Lord leads. Follow Him wholeheartedly, with glad anticipation quickening your pace. Though you don't know what lies ahead, He knows; and that is enough. Some of His richest blessings are just around the bend; out of, but nonetheless very real. Walk by faith."

These words have stared me in the face lately. Recently I have felt beat up, discouraged, alone, and honestly not so lovable. It is at this time that I come to realize that I am far from alone. I am not forgotten or unlovable. I am fully and completely known by my heavenly Father. Psalm 139:1-16

You have searched me, Lord,

    and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

    you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

    you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

    you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before,

    and you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

    too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

    Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

    if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

    your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

    and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

    the night will shine like the day,

    for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.

David understood what it meant to feel beat up, alone, left in the dark, unsure of what God was doing in his life. David was a sinner and yet the Lord refers to him as, "a man after His own heart." So what made him so special? What was the secret? David sought God, he lamented, he was real and honest with God, David questioned the Lord. David had a relationship with God. David understood in some depth that the Lord had David's best interest in mind even when the times were tough and challenging. So how does this relate to you and me? 

Well, we are all sinners, yet God wants a relationship with us and he does not force Himself upon us. He wants to be wanted by us, He wants to be chosen, and He wants us to get to know Him. Sound familiar? Sounds like a relationship or marriage. That's the desire I had when I was with Kyle. I wanted him to know my idiosyncrasies, to be loved, to sought, and to be known. I miss him here and the role he filled in my life. God hasn't left me, He didn't disappear when Kyle and I were together, no he was active in our lives and He is active in my life right now. My readers please don't allow yourself to be discouraged. You are important even if you aren't with someone. You are loved even when you feel like no one cares. You are always fully known. 

For me right now, it is living in singleness again. I try not to be angry where I am at in life because I know this is where the Lord wants me. I trust that through everything I have encountered in my life, the nasty, gross, sinful, messed up, not perfect, terrible, painful, tearful, among many other terms I have for some of what I have been through, there is still good in it all. I could say, "I don't even have it as hard as some other people." or "They have gone through way worse" It doesn't matter! This is my story that is still being written and no one else can write this story. The same goes for you my reader. It is your story and no one else can write yours for you. You story is important. You are important. Share what God has done in your life even when it hurts and is painful. There is healing.