At first, I wonder what needs to be said with everything that has happened. I keep thinking of the truth I have been encouraging myself with or how I keep talking myself through this process. I want to find the perfect words to say to others, I want to help them process, I want to be there for everyone, and yet at the same time I want to be distant and just do my own thing. I am learning the balance of life once again between teaching, coaching, working on my masters, and now grieving the loss of my future husband and friends that I truly loved and cared for.
Here is an overview of what happened 2 months ago. I would love to share every detail yet I know there isn't that much time to do so. So I will just share what I feel I need to share. For example some of you who don't usually read my blog, follow me on Facebook, or Instagram here is a recap.
I am at a constant stage in my life where I am processing grief. I grieve the loss of a friend, future husband, fiancé, love, encourager, and many other names I could use to describe Kyle. I grieve so much more than just the person he was. I never want to minimize how other people feel or how they grieve. Just know this, this is how I am grieving and I would never try to hurt anyone with my words or shove my faith down anyone's throat.
About 2 months ago I told Kyle for the last time that I loved him and that I would see him when he made it home. These are both extremely true statements for 2 reasons. 1. I love him, always have, and always will. 2. He is in heaven waiting for me and I just hope our mansions are right next to each because I have no idea what heaven looks like and what awaits me. Sadly he never made it back home to me but he made it to his heavenly home.
He was extremely close to landing here but he ended up crashing in a plane just a few miles away from our home. Fog settled in and this tragedy took not only his life but the lives of a man I looked up to as a mentor, father figure, and viewed as an extremely Godly man after the Lord's heart. I deeply miss Scott and the influence he had in my life as we coached together and Kyle and I did marriage counseling with him and Julie his wife. I lost 2 amazing students who were just the best. Zach hugged me almost every day and knew how to make you smile. I loved playing basketball with or against him and watch him work so hard to play with the big guys. And Kaitlyn was just so much fun. She was hard working loving, caring, and feisty. All 4 of these people had a hunger and thirst for the Lord and they were seeking His kingdom first.
Grieving all of this has hit in waves. At times I want to forget and wake up from this wretched dream and yet in other times I find joy and laughter in the moments throughout the day. I often find myself walking towards my house reminding myself that Kyle isn't in there waiting for me. There is no more prayer nights together, venting sessions, spending time with friends, or working on his house together. For most of you, you know that we were planning to get married. We picked July 15th 2017. We had our venue picked with a down payment already taken care of. I grieve this in so many ways.
I'd be lying if I said that seeing other people get engaged, married, have babies, move into houses together doesn't affect me because it does sometimes. I had and wanted what I see in my friends’ lives. I see them starting their lives and the joy they have. I am genuinely happy and joyful for them but there is a piece inside of me that just hurts so badly and sometimes I just want it not to. I want to be able to grieve the plans and excitement that we had in front of us. I have sorrow in that I will never be able to experience all the wedding plans we decided on, nor the celebration with family and friends. I have all our notes of what needed to happen. I grieve not being able to go wedding dress shopping, have my aunt make my wedding shoes, walk down the isle with my dad to see Kyle waiting forme, and just give God the glory for our relationship we had. This doesn't trip me up every day because my mind doesn't stay on one specific thing for too long.
I grieve the loss of having a constant confidant in my life. I trusted that man more than I ever thought I could. He knew more about me than many people excluding life long friendships and family. I saw trueness about him and his character. I do not regret sharing my life with him rather encouraged at how I could let someone in again and learn how to trust them with the raw Abbey. He was a friend, yes, but there were multiple layers of how he understood me. Of course it is hard but I don't have a fear that God can't supply these needs again. I don't want to just cover up this hurt, pain, or sorrow in my life and I want to so badly be healed in the deepest way possible.
"All we can do is pray.
You may wonder why the pastor can’t heal you, why your doctor can’t heal your deep wounds. You wonder why you feel good for a moment, then the emotional pain returns in full force. It is because only God can heal you to the core of who you are, but it’s only when you come to Him. Not once. Not twice. It’s when we continue to come to Him and frequent His presence that true intensive care takes place. No one can heal you like God can. Will you trust your broken heart to His healing hands? He will make your heart new, your mind new, and your desires new. Come to Him and He will heal your heart completely and make all things new.
God does not further our spiritual life in spite of our circumstances, but in and by our circumstances." Not Knowing Whither, 900 L
"We are essential not accidental"
It was so incredibly hard to come back here to Port Alsworth. I walked into my house for dinner and I had in my head Kyle would be here. Well nope, he isn't and he won't ever be again. I walked into my bedroom and his stuff is everywhere. His shirt and pants lying on my bed as if he would be coming right back. I so badly want him to be here waiting for me like he always was. Waiting with open arms and a massive smile knowing I had made it home. I keep myself busy most of the time knowing that this pain hurts tremendously and there isn't an easy way to fix all of this. I know that there are people who understand to a certain extent of how I feel and since grieving is all different for everyone there really isn't this equal understand ingredients for each other. It is frustrating at times when people think they know how I feel but actually don't. However, I want to extend grace not only to them but also to myself because this is a challenging time in life and it feel like I am going through the fire.
I like to rationalize everything and this time I can't rationalize it all. It doesn't make sense to my brain. It's the same for me to wrap my brain around heaven, hell, and God’s love for me, forgiveness. The list goes on and on and I can't make sense of it all. I want to know the unknown but realize it's not for me to understand. Something that I read years ago that had stuck out to me is this, God would not be who He is if we could put Him in a box and figure Him out.
I am a type A personality so since I still have decided to continue teaching, coaching, and taking my masters classes for the rest of this school year. I wonder about how I will get everything done, however, God took care of every thing that needed to happen every time before. He will continue to do so as long as I trust Him and if it doesn't work out then I will take it one step at a time and let it unfold to see how it will play out. There are many prayer requests I have but my biggest one is for the people who don't know Christ. My heart just crumbles and breaks because I have come to understand the weight of what that means for them. I ask for prayer not only that I can heal in the deepest way possibly but that I extend grace upon myself and allow myself to feel when I need to. It's tough to share your heart but yet at the same time it is so freeing. I don't know who is reading this but it has been laid upon my heart and the words are flowing. I'm sure there will be another post here in the future but this is all I have for now.