Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Our Days Are Numbered

Every time I that I get sucked into the cycle of the questions of why did this have to happen? Why these ages? Why December 7th of this year? I can get so wrapped up in just wanting to have my unanswered questions answered. And even though these can't be answered now or may never be answered I keep coming back to these truths.

Each breath we take is a gift from the Lord and everyday is a day given to us. We didn't earn it for good behavior or asking one more time to spend here on Earth. It specifically says in multiple places in the Bible that our days are numbered. Job talks about it and David mentions it as well. In both accounts these men ask God many questions and cry out to Him with their deep longings and sorrows yet they both talk about having the knowledge our days are numbered. Those words can be crippling, illing, encouraging, stressful, discredited, along with other reactions people might have. 

Honestly, those words are what remind me why Kyle is no longer here, and this is beyond anything I could ever have imagined I would go through. A lot doesn't make sense in this life and this is definitely one of them. Kyle's days were numbered and this did not shock God when everything happened. "What satan intended for bad, God will use it for good." 

Thoughts of all the activities, projects, talks, aspirations, plans, goals, and whatever other ideas Kyle and I would come up with to do. I long to have those days back where he would share his ideas with me about our future, our house, and our family we wanted to have. Each day can't be figured out becuase it feels like it all resets every single morning. It comes in a wave of I'm ready to start my day all the way to I have no desire to leave my bed becuase it all just seems too difficult. Either way I still must take on the day whether or not I like what the day holds. I must and try to remind myself of the truth I know to be true. These are some of the truths I tell myself over and over again. I first start it off by saying:
        I know that the Lord can and will.......
heal me fully.
restore my soul.
protect me from my enemies.
fight my battles.
listen whenever I need.
love me even in my worst.
forgive me when I sin.
rejoice with me.
delight Himself in me.
strengthen me when I'm falling.
be present at all times in my life.
show me His faithfulness.
go before me.
hold my hand.
never leave me.
carry me when I desperately need. 
see me in my pain.
understand my feelings and emotions.
help me when I can't help myself.
accept me no matter what.
encourage me when no one else will..
always be my anchor.

As I remind myself of these truths I also have this picture of me holding my future in one hand and my past in the other. I like to think that I am in control, yet I am quickly reminded that I have very little control and honestly, I don't want that control. I'd rather give it over to the Lord who knows me better than I know myself.

Julie and I were talking about what it looks like to let go and release it into the Lord's hand. As Julie and I read a devotional together that reminded us that we cannot hold onto our "stuff" whatever that may be and simultaneously hold the Lord's hand. I want to let go of everything I am currently holding onto or that I pick up along the path I am walking on. I want to hold the hand of my Savior who loves me and cares so deeply about my sorrow, pain, joy, longings, and desires.

I'm never sure what is coming my way but I trust that the Lord will guide me in whatever way He sees fit in order to take on and face the everyday life. There is no other way to turn or go when my eyes are fixed upon my Heavenly Father. 

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