Saturday, July 15, 2017

The Wedding Day

Today is the day. I am grieving the loss of what was to come. I never got to marry him nor will I ever get to. I never will be able to stand in front of our friends and family and say I DO nor will I ever with him. I so badly want to say those words to him. I wanted to pick out my white dress, have my aunt make my shoes, do wedding planning with my mom and ladies. I wanted to see his face when I walked down the isle.

I didn't know how to write this blog but I have been working on it in sections. I want to share what we had planned and where I would be at in this process of wedding planning. This month of April would have marked the less than 4 months to get married. That is incredible to me, it hurts to think about but at the same time it makes me smile.

I have been preparing for this moment for months now. I'm not sure if that is helpful or not. I have wanted it to hurry up and come so I can face it, but I have not wanted it to come because I knew it was going to be hard to face. I had no idea what I even wanted to do for it, yet I knew that I was not going to let it drag me down. Yet again, I wanted to face it head on and take it as it came. I know there is plenty to read here and I hope that it sheds some light on the the whole situation. I am sure I am missing steps, thoughts, or feelings. I wanted to share with my readers what we planned for July 15th, 2017.

Kyle and I started planning our wedding the second date we went on. We had rings picked out well into June. We couldn't wait to marry one another and begin our life journey together. We were going to do our wedding in the most nontraditional way possible. We wanted to do it the way we wanted to do. He didn't want to wear a tuxedo or suit and when I said that I didn't want him to either he said, "Really?" I replied, "No way, we are totally going casual and relaxed. Wear your baseball cap for our pictures but I like the way you look without the hat." He smiled and agreed that if he didn't have to wear a tuxedo or suit then no hat for the wedding was totally doable. I loved how we communicated and worked with each other. I didn't know he felt so strongly about what he wanted or didn't want to wear but now I know.

We did have a 100% agreement on the venue. In the course of 2 weeks, we didn't have a venue, had 3, then selected our venue. They were all older barn style places with rustic feels, some more than others, but exactly what I was looking for. I remember sitting down at the table with him going over the pros and cons of each venue. He looked at me and asked which one I wanted. I told him I wanted the 3rd choice, he said that he agreed, and then we just sat there. After a few seconds-minutes we realized what we had just said to each other. I looked at him and said, "We just picked our venue!" We were so excited that we called several people and shared our BIG news with them. Mind you he hadn't "officially" asked me to marry him. It doesn't even matter because I was already committed to him wholeheartedly. We made some calls and people thought we had gotten engaged. I laugh at all of this and our silly selves but I also cry because it hurts. It hurts that he isn't here to finish the planning. Our planning came to a screeching halt December 7th. It feels like running into a brick wall repeatedly.

Now that it is June, I have been home for 3 weeks and I look backwards and forwards today. I am so thankful for my mom, dad, Aunt Mimi, and Uncle Gary who took a drive to each place in order to find us a venue. They would send Kyle and I pictures that my uncle would take, thank goodness he is a photographer. They would tell us all the pros and cons and all the details about each place. Kyle and I weighed the options. This place was found through Facebook on my Aunt Mimi's Facebook page, she liked it, sent it to my mom, and they send it to Kyle and me. The name: Homestead Blessings. Name says it all, it was a blessing indeed. This venue had just opened up to the public this year. The only other people who were married here was 1 of the family members who was partially running the buinsess. This brought me so much excitement as I am not a traditional one, I don't like being like everyone else, and I am always looking for something unique. Kyle understood that about me more than anyone every has. I loved how well he harnessed and encouragd my individuality. So this is the venue below. I of course cancelled our booking but I just absolutely love this place.

This picture makes me realize that this is where we would be standing saying, "I do." Or where he would be looking at me as I walk down the isle. It is insane to think that I was going to marry my best friend. Marry the man who knew me so well. I can only imagine the smile on his face that day.

Our lists were done for everyone we planned to invited. I had already told my bridesmaids who I wanted to have in the wedding and he told his groomsmen who he planned to have stand up there for him. We were going to have Trina my cousin/sister/best friend be my Matron of Honor and Jess, Kyle's sister and my new sister be my Maid of Honor. For him he would have had his best friend J.D., my brother and his new brother Ben, and our friend Jon from out here in Port Alsworth. (If he would have been able to make it) ;) I am glad that we did that together and we had concrete plans set in place.

We wanted to pick a bakery that would have made all of our specific doughnuts instead of having cake or cupcakes. We planned to have:
  • Boston Creme
  • Chocolate Glazed
  • Plain Glazed
  • White Frosting with sprinkles (my favorite)
  • Powdered Jelly
  • Chocolate Eclaire
  • Maple Glazed
  • Plane
  • Blueberry
  • Wedding colored icing
  • Cinnamon and Sugar
  • Pumpkin
  • Coconut
We so planned a wedding that was totally our own, everything had meaning to us or was relevant to where we lived. So we were doing 13 types of doughnuts for the 13 months we would have dated before we got married. We were always trying to be cute like that. Hehe

My favorite part of our story was that we would have dated for a year, a month, and a week from the first time we said that we had been dating to the day we got married. When we picked the date, we didn't even know it was so exact and precise. Kyle brought it to my attention and we were both filled with excitement, giggles, and laughter. How I love the fact he loved the simple things in life with me.

Now, I was not home yet to go wedding dress shopping but I did do some extensive pintrest looking. I showed him several ideas of what I was thinking. Nothing was set in stone or agreed upon. Even though Kyle would not have been picking the dress out with me, I tried to keep him in the loop with everything but that is one thing I wanted to surprise him with. So fast forward to a few weeks before us getting married. I posed the question, "What kind of dress is a consolation to a wedding dress?" Well the answer is, "none." However, the way I view circumstances and trying to make lemonade out of the lemons I was given, I went shopping. Of course I tried to find "The Dress." That of course didn't quite happen, instead I found 3 outfits/dresses and I might try to find one more. Now the reason I share is because I'm frugal. Kyle called it something else but I think he would have appreciated my shopping this time. Long story short I was texting my matron of honor and maid of honor pictures of all the dresses I tried on. For now, I don't plan to try on wedding dresses, nor did I get to, but I did have fun trying on dresses for a day and shopping around with my ladies who would have been there anyway. Thankful for a mother who is willing to go make this special even when it feels like such a tragedy. She has been more than suportive during this whole process.

I also decided to take some steps in making this time special since I wouldn't be getting married this summer. I have traveled around visiting many friends and family. I went dress shopping with my mom but instead of wedding dress shopping, we went and found 3 fun dresses I could wear the wedding weekend. My mom made sure to have plans for this weekend in order to get me out of the house and celebrate in a way Kyle would be proud. So, we decided to head to the beach this weekend. As she made plans, she ended up picking the same beach that I took Kyle to for the first east coast beach that he has ever been to.

This time has been filled with many hugs, laughter, and just having a good time. My heart hurts deeply for the fact I won't be marrying my best friend. It feels like it hasn't even sunk in. It hits me hard and then other times I just keep on keeping on. The people we have run into here have asked why we are here. Our response, "girls weekend." It's true but it shouldn't be what I'm doing this weekend. Honestly, this whole blog might be me rambling, but I think it was healing for me to write.

I love how we were able to tell each other our top favorite things about each other, for me about him: I loved his servant attitude, eyes, the fact that he was a pilot, his beard, smile, outdoors man, adventurer, his humor/sarcasm, and of course the fact that he picked me. For him about me: my heart was number one one his list, my hair, eyes, smile, whit, nature, willingness to try anything, face, and the fact that I am a teacher.

Some of my favorite "You fit the glove. I could spend all night doing nothing with you. Looking at you makes me happy. Seeing you smile makes my day. You make me happy. It makes me excited to talk about the future instead of scared. You're so beautiful. You have no idea how gorgeous you are. I want to show you off to the world and even though we come from different places and are different kinds of people we are one. I care for you so much. I can't wait. #timingiseverything. You are my person. I could hold you forever." "The real beauty you have inside and out trumps every other female." "You're that part of me I'll always need." ❤ "The few hours I spend with you are worth the thousands of hours I spend without you." ❤

These are just some of the words he wrote to me over the past 6 months we were together. Oh how he loved me. And if I could bet, his vow would be along the lines of something like this. He loved me so dang well. I just remind myself of how special he made me feel. How important the little things to me were important to him. He understood me and spoke Abbinese (fast talking, spastic like emotional chatter, filled with silly laughter and quirkiness) We were and will always be #AKsquared. 

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