The Wedding Day

Today is the day. I am grieving the loss of what was to come. I never got to marry him nor will I ever get to. I never will be able to stand in front of our friends and family and say I DO nor will I ever with him. I so badly want to say those words to him. I wanted to pick out my white dress, have my aunt make my shoes, do wedding planning with my mom and ladies. I wanted to see his face when I walked down the isle.

I didn't know how to write this blog but I have been working on it in sections. I want to share what we had planned and where I would be at in this process of wedding planning. This month of April would have marked the less than 4 months to get married. That is incredible to me, it hurts to think about but at the same time it makes me smile.

I have been preparing for this moment for months now. I'm not sure if that is helpful or not. I have wanted it to hurry up and come so I can face it, but I have not wanted it to come because I knew it was going to be hard to face. I had no idea what I even wanted to do for it, yet I knew that I was not going to let it drag me down. Yet again, I wanted to face it head on and take it as it came. I know there is plenty to read here and I hope that it sheds some light on the the whole situation. I am sure I am missing steps, thoughts, or feelings. I wanted to share with my readers what we planned for July 15th, 2017.

Kyle and I started planning our wedding the second date we went on. We had rings picked out well into June. We couldn't wait to marry one another and begin our life journey together. We were going to do our wedding in the most nontraditional way possible. We wanted to do it the way we wanted to do. He didn't want to wear a tuxedo or suit and when I said that I didn't want him to either he said, "Really?" I replied, "No way, we are totally going casual and relaxed. Wear your baseball cap for our pictures but I like the way you look without the hat." He smiled and agreed that if he didn't have to wear a tuxedo or suit then no hat for the wedding was totally doable. I loved how we communicated and worked with each other. I didn't know he felt so strongly about what he wanted or didn't want to wear but now I know.

We did have a 100% agreement on the venue. In the course of 2 weeks, we didn't have a venue, had 3, then selected our venue. They were all older barn style places with rustic feels, some more than others, but exactly what I was looking for. I remember sitting down at the table with him going over the pros and cons of each venue. He looked at me and asked which one I wanted. I told him I wanted the 3rd choice, he said that he agreed, and then we just sat there. After a few seconds-minutes we realized what we had just said to each other. I looked at him and said, "We just picked our venue!" We were so excited that we called several people and shared our BIG news with them. Mind you he hadn't "officially" asked me to marry him. It doesn't even matter because I was already committed to him wholeheartedly. We made some calls and people thought we had gotten engaged. I laugh at all of this and our silly selves but I also cry because it hurts. It hurts that he isn't here to finish the planning. Our planning came to a screeching halt December 7th. It feels like running into a brick wall repeatedly.

Now that it is June, I have been home for 3 weeks and I look backwards and forwards today. I am so thankful for my mom, dad, Aunt Mimi, and Uncle Gary who took a drive to each place in order to find us a venue. They would send Kyle and I pictures that my uncle would take, thank goodness he is a photographer. They would tell us all the pros and cons and all the details about each place. Kyle and I weighed the options. This place was found through Facebook on my Aunt Mimi's Facebook page, she liked it, sent it to my mom, and they send it to Kyle and me. The name: Homestead Blessings. Name says it all, it was a blessing indeed. This venue had just opened up to the public this year. The only other people who were married here was 1 of the family members who was partially running the buinsess. This brought me so much excitement as I am not a traditional one, I don't like being like everyone else, and I am always looking for something unique. Kyle understood that about me more than anyone every has. I loved how well he harnessed and encouragd my individuality. So this is the venue below. I of course cancelled our booking but I just absolutely love this place.

This picture makes me realize that this is where we would be standing saying, "I do." Or where he would be looking at me as I walk down the isle. It is insane to think that I was going to marry my best friend. Marry the man who knew me so well. I can only imagine the smile on his face that day.

Our lists were done for everyone we planned to invited. I had already told my bridesmaids who I wanted to have in the wedding and he told his groomsmen who he planned to have stand up there for him. We were going to have Trina my cousin/sister/best friend be my Matron of Honor and Jess, Kyle's sister and my new sister be my Maid of Honor. For him he would have had his best friend J.D., my brother and his new brother Ben, and our friend Jon from out here in Port Alsworth. (If he would have been able to make it) ;) I am glad that we did that together and we had concrete plans set in place.

We wanted to pick a bakery that would have made all of our specific doughnuts instead of having cake or cupcakes. We planned to have:

• Boston Creme
• Chocolate Glazed
• Plain Glazed
• White Frosting with sprinkles (my favorite)
• Powdered Jelly
• Chocolate Eclaire
• Maple Glazed
• Plane
• Blueberry
• Wedding colored icing
• Cinnamon and Sugar
• Pumpkin
• Coconut

We so planned a wedding that was totally our own, everything had meaning to us or was relevant to where we lived. So we were doing 13 types of doughnuts for the 13 months we would have dated before we got married. We were always trying to be cute like that. Hehe

My favorite part of our story was that we would have dated for a year, a month, and a week from the first time we said that we had been dating to the day we got married. When we picked the date, we didn't even know it was so exact and precise. Kyle brought it to my attention and we were both filled with excitement, giggles, and laughter. How I love the fact he loved the simple things in life with me.

Now, I was not home yet to go wedding dress shopping but I did do some extensive pintrest looking. I showed him several ideas of what I was thinking. Nothing was set in stone or agreed upon. Even though Kyle would not have been picking the dress out with me, I tried to keep him in the loop with everything but that is one thing I wanted to surprise him with. So fast forward to a few weeks before us getting married. I posed the question, "What kind of dress is a consolation to a wedding dress?" Well the answer is, "none." However, the way I view circumstances and trying to make lemonade out of the lemons I was given, I went shopping. Of course I tried to find "The Dress." That of course didn't quite happen, instead I found 3 outfits/dresses and I might try to find one more. Now the reason I share is because I'm frugal. Kyle called it something else but I think he would have appreciated my shopping this time. Long story short I was texting my matron of honor and maid of honor pictures of all the dresses I tried on. For now, I don't plan to try on wedding dresses, nor did I get to, but I did have fun trying on dresses for a day and shopping around with my ladies who would have been there anyway. Thankful for a mother who is willing to go make this special even when it feels like such a tragedy. She has been more than suportive during this whole process.

I also decided to take some steps in making this time special since I wouldn't be getting married this summer. I have traveled around visiting many friends and family. I went dress shopping with my mom but instead of wedding dress shopping, we went and found 3 fun dresses I could wear the wedding weekend. My mom made sure to have plans for this weekend in order to get me out of the house and celebrate in a way Kyle would be proud. So, we decided to head to the beach this weekend. As she made plans, she ended up picking the same beach that I took Kyle to for the first east coast beach that he has ever been to.

This time has been filled with many hugs, laughter, and just having a good time. My heart hurts deeply for the fact I won't be marrying my best friend. It feels like it hasn't even sunk in. It hits me hard and then other times I just keep on keeping on. The people we have run into here have asked why we are here. Our response, "girls weekend." It's true but it shouldn't be what I'm doing this weekend. Honestly, this whole blog might be me rambling, but I think it was healing for me to write.

I love how we were able to tell each other our top favorite things about each other, for me about him: I loved his servant attitude, eyes, the fact that he was a pilot, his beard, smile, outdoors man, adventurer, his humor/sarcasm, and of course the fact that he picked me. For him about me: my heart was number one one his list, my hair, eyes, smile, whit, nature, willingness to try anything, face, and the fact that I am a teacher.

Some of my favorite "You fit the glove. I could spend all night doing nothing with you. Looking at you makes me happy. Seeing you smile makes my day. You make me happy. It makes me excited to talk about the future instead of scared. You're so beautiful. You have no idea how gorgeous you are. I want to show you off to the world and even though we come from different places and are different kinds of people we are one. I care for you so much. I can't wait. #timingiseverything. You are my person. I could hold you forever." "The real beauty you have inside and out trumps every other female." "You're that part of me I'll always need." ❤ "The few hours I spend with you are worth the thousands of hours I spend without you." ❤

These are just some of the words he wrote to me over the past 6 months we were together. Oh how he loved me. And if I could bet, his vow would be along the lines of something like this. He loved me so dang well. I just remind myself of how special he made me feel. How important the little things to me were important to him. He understood me and spoke Abbinese (fast talking, spastic like emotional chatter, filled with silly laughter and quirkiness) We were and will always be #AKsquared. 

Singleness

Yeah, I've been single before, yes, I know what it feels like to just be me. I know it is God and me but still it's just me. I'm always surrounded by friends and family but it's not the same. I've been down this road before, I've operated out of  tremendous hurt, regret, fear, lies, victim status, and a painful mess of a person over the past several years but this time I want it to be different. Kyle did not choose to leave me after he asked me to marry him. He didn't "break up" with me. He didn't just stop talking to me. He pursued me, he loved me, he wanted to be with me, he thought I was worth his time. I don't understand all the inner workings of relationships and I am glad I don't. They are not cookie cutter and clean. Maybe I am just doing it wrong or maybe I am spot on. I just like to invest everything I can into someone I care about. I try to do the same with my friends that are in my life. I would do what I can for them if they needed me to and I want to love them well with the ability I have been given. I want to use this opportunity that I wouldn't have had if Kyle were here. So what does that look like? I'm still waiting to see how it all unfolds but here is a little bit of what I have learned so far over the past 10 years of serious friendship, relationships, and dating.

I have so much to share, plenty to offer, a willingness to be used, especially with how the Lord has brought me to where I am now. I don't want to be selfish and think my life is harder than any others or that I am more Godly than anyone, because of what the Lord has brought me to and through. I simply want the Lord to use me and my story to bring His name glory. I'd be happy to share it with anyone if they wanted to hear it. I want to not play the victim here in this chapter of my life, rather I want to stand up, be strong, and not be shaken by the chaos that swirls around me every single day. I tend to forget who my anchor is and I get thrashed by waves that consume me on a daily basis. 

What's the difference with the relations Kyle and I had? Well, we put the Lord first as much as we humanly could. Kyle and I sought counciling, we prayed every night about our relationship, and our potential future, we would say, "Not our will, not our timing, but yours." Our hearts wanted the Lord to be the center of our relationship. Kyle was amazing at making sure we prayed before we said our goodbyes and goodnights. I deeply long for that connection again and I find it difficult to do on my own sometimes. It reminds me of the verse, "two are better than one." We had high hopes for the future of how the Lord was going to use us together with the mindset that we were going to conquer the world together. We would go flying, we would talk about places that were more remote than where we lived, overseas if that is where we felt called. We wanted to go where felt the Lord was leading us no matter what that looked like. We talked about places that would need a teacher/coach and a pilot/carpenter. Kyle so badly wanted to go on a missions trip and I looked forward to a time where him and I could travel together and be the light in dark places.

SO..........

What now? Where do I go from here? What woman am I? Motherhood? Wife? What is the plan? Who? When? Why again? Haven't I had enough hurt and pain in my life? Why can't I just love someone unconditionally like I feel like I am created to do? Why do I fear? Why do I worry?

I don't want to fit into a category but I know I try to. I want to embrace the ups and downs of this crazy story that is being written but I get so caught up in my thoughts and fears. I want to just go when I hear "go" and I want to stay when I hear "stay." Sometimes I just need to be still and stop trying to figure it all out. The world keeps spinning each day, the sun comes up, and the sun sets whether I want to face the day or not. I am learning how to be present no matter where I am or who I am with. People typically want to be known and loved.

"Be willing to follow wherever the Lord leads. Follow Him wholeheartedly, with glad anticipation quickening your pace. Though you don't know what lies ahead, He knows; and that is enough. Some of His richest blessings are just around the bend; out of, but nonetheless very real. Walk by faith."

These words have stared me in the face lately. Recently I have felt beat up, discouraged, alone, and honestly not so lovable. It is at this time that I come to realize that I am far from alone. I am not forgotten or unlovable. I am fully and completely known by my heavenly Father. Psalm 139:1-16

You have searched me, Lord,

    and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

    you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

    you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

    you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before,

    and you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

    too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

    Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

    if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

    your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

    and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

    the night will shine like the day,

    for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.

David understood what it meant to feel beat up, alone, left in the dark, unsure of what God was doing in his life. David was a sinner and yet the Lord refers to him as, "a man after His own heart." So what made him so special? What was the secret? David sought God, he lamented, he was real and honest with God, David questioned the Lord. David had a relationship with God. David understood in some depth that the Lord had David's best interest in mind even when the times were tough and challenging. So how does this relate to you and me? 

Well, we are all sinners, yet God wants a relationship with us and he does not force Himself upon us. He wants to be wanted by us, He wants to be chosen, and He wants us to get to know Him. Sound familiar? Sounds like a relationship or marriage. That's the desire I had when I was with Kyle. I wanted him to know my idiosyncrasies, to be loved, to sought, and to be known. I miss him here and the role he filled in my life. God hasn't left me, He didn't disappear when Kyle and I were together, no he was active in our lives and He is active in my life right now. My readers please don't allow yourself to be discouraged. You are important even if you aren't with someone. You are loved even when you feel like no one cares. You are always fully known. 

For me right now, it is living in singleness again. I try not to be angry where I am at in life because I know this is where the Lord wants me. I trust that through everything I have encountered in my life, the nasty, gross, sinful, messed up, not perfect, terrible, painful, tearful, among many other terms I have for some of what I have been through, there is still good in it all. I could say, "I don't even have it as hard as some other people." or "They have gone through way worse" It doesn't matter! This is my story that is still being written and no one else can write this story. The same goes for you my reader. It is your story and no one else can write yours for you. You story is important. You are important. Share what God has done in your life even when it hurts and is painful. There is healing. 

It's Been A Year

Today marks the 6 month day that Kyle went missing. I know my title is "It's been a year," but that is in reference to Kyle and my 1 year anniversary of being together. Today we would have been celebrating, doing something spontaneous or outrageous, actually we would have just probably been happy to spend it together. We would have stopped all the wedding planning and enjoyed being able to date each other. I love that man and am grieved I cannot share this moment with him today. I still can't believe he is gone. Today it hits like a ton of bricks and all the reminders are there. A lot has happened in 6 months but a lot more has happened in a year.

Of course there is the obvious. I turned a year older, made it through more masters classes, finished another year teaching, along with coaching, and learned more about myself, others, and God. However, this year was going to be a monumental year. I went from being single, to in a dating relationship, to enaged and planning a wedding, to losing my best friend and future husband. Ooof. If that isn't a ton of bricks, I don't know what is. This year has been so full of joy yet more challenging that I ever thought it would be. It has brought me to my knees countless times. I have questions, anger, confusion, deep sorrow and pain, yet a sense of peace and understanding.

As I scroll back through messages Kyle and I had, I am thankful for the way Kyle just "got" me. As one of our friends said a year ago when we were first starting out in our relationsip, "You are two peas in a pod." He was right. We just had this way about us that made sense and clicked even if we ever tried to deny it. We loved each other as unconditionally as possible and we were constantly thankful to have each other. We loved to be in love, we loved to plan for our future, talk about our cabin's layout, the future of children and how we would raise them, and the opportunities we would be provided in order to spread God's love to others.

This has been harder than I ever expected. I am reminded of Job and with a recent conversation with my dad, he quickly reminded me of the ending of Job. At first, everything was taken from Job and there was very little left, yet he was still a faithful servant. His family died, he questioned God repeatedly, and His health was taken as well. Sometimes that's how I feel. Kyle is no longer here, life seems so challenging, my health is out of wack, I have countless questions, and all the while I can't stop praising Him. Friends have been so kind and loving, but there is always something lacking. They just aren't Kyle.

I have found myself getting frustrated with friends who have stepped up to be there for me, hang out with me, walk with me, listen, share stories, and I have walked away just feeling the gaping hole Kyle left in my life. They just aren't him. It's not their fault, I am not trying to be mean, but ultimately I want him to walk with me, talk with me, listen to my nonsense jokes, be in the kitchen cracking up and giggling while we cook dinner with/for friends. I miss him telling me to stop stirring food that didn't need to be stirred. Or me trying to convinice him he needed to stay and watch one more episode of some TV show we were watching. I miss our walking out in the woods and him trying to find recipes that wouldn't bother my health. I miss hearing from him, and knowing he was just a phone call or text away.

It sometimes is hard to be around friends we would double date with. I want him to be sitting there chiming in about the conversation. I feel his absence mostly when I am in a large gathering becuase everywhere I look around he is no where to be found. It's just me and I'm all alone....table for 1 please.... I've been single before, this feeling is different. I feel him absent when I sit by married couples at church or when they call for anniversaries so people can be celebrated. I will let never get that chance with Kyle...Ever. Its hard to see new relationships start, friends getting married, having babies, moving forward in that area. And yet I have this joy for them, I am genuinely excited. I'm not saying woe is me all the time, but I am just being real here.

I remind myself that they have joy and I once had that. It doesn't mean it won't come back around, it is just what the time is right now. I tell myself that I was more than blessed to have a man like Kyle who loved me so well. I tell myself that I still have it good even in all the tragedy. I remind myself where Kyle is. Then I can take a deep breath and know that he is not suffering here with back pain, numbness in his arms and hands each morning, pain in his neck or knees. He has no stress about finances, planning for the future, or concern for anything he once had here on earth. I am beyond thankful that he is not in my shoes. I would take this spot over and over so he would never have to bear this type of pain and loss. I would choose to love him all over again even if I knew this was the outcome. Loving him was easy. It was fun and exciting. It was eye-opening and challenging in that it forced me to grow and mature. It was work yet loving each other was our choice and I am glad we chose to love.

I don't mind asking the hard questions, or pouring out my heart. I like lamenting. I kind of say it how it is. I am a matter of fact kind of person. Like when I am talking to God. He already knows what I am thinking and feeling so I just don't understand why I should hide it. So I don't. All the while I keep reminding myself that God has greatness in store for me. He never promised that if I followed Him this life would be easy. In fact, it says to count it all JOY when you face various trials and tribulations. I thank God for everything He has brought me through even the good, bad, and ugly days. He has never left my side even though Kyle has. God is my stronghold, anchor, and strength through it all. So I am a mixture of many feelings and emotions.

Life Worth Living

As many of you know I speak from my heart. I speak mostly what is on my mind and today's topic is "life is worth living." As I lay here, my thoughts crashing over me like waves, I can either let them drown me in sorrow or I can face them head on. I sometimes choose both depending on how much I want to take on. I am constantly reminded I that deserve nothing, yet I am given everything. Each day I am given the the ability to walk, talk, breath, work, have friends who care, have a family, and the list goes on and on. I deserve nothing from this life (except death), yet each day is a gift from the Lord.

I keep thinking of all the days that were spent with Kyle and they too were gifts. Each moment, memory, shared laugh, caring thought, or his presence were gifts. These days I keep replaying very vivid memories I have with Kyle. I run through all the different adventures we had together. We have made a variety of meals together, watched countless movies together, shopped, talked about everything and anything, set traps (well he did and I came along) , hunted (ish), boated, flew, cut down our own Christmas tree, planned a wedding, worked on his house (what would have been our future home), hiked together, ran together, and that is just to name a few. If anything, I am just thankful for someone to be by my side for a time being. He is incredible and I miss his daily presence. 

Kyle is one of the most kind-hearted men I have ever met. At least with me he was patient, loving, listening, and always wanted the best for me, I selfishly write this blog to remind myself of all the good times we had because they are not lost or forgotten. They are always right there, tucked away in my journal, a blog, pictures, in the stories of friends, our texts, and the constant reminder of the impacts this man had in my life. I wanted to say Kyle changed me, but who he was and how he was with me opened my eyes and my perspective changed. Only the Lord can take my hardened heart and melt it. I believe he did that through the timing of Kyle and my relationship.

For those of you who barely saw our relationship, let me just paint this picture for you. When that man walked into my view I couldn't stop beaming. I couldn't get rid of the smile on my face and I couldn't help but be around him. Countless times he would text me telling me he had made it home safely and I would be beyond excited to see him. No matter where I was, I'd stop and head his way just so I could give him a hug and kiss. He has surprised me by sitting in my classroom chair just waiting for me to walk in after getting back for a short break from guiding. The memories flood my mind on a daily basis. There isn't a day that goes by that he hasn't crossed my mind. Boy, do I miss his presence and the ability to just chat with him. It's incredibly hard to have such a trustworthy sounding board and then all of a sudden not having one at all. The person you trusted with the deepest of your feelings, thoughts, and aspirations is no where to be found. Now what? I have asked that question over and over.

Back to the life worth living for. This life is tough. There are many challenges that we are faces with each day. How we take them on is ultimately up to us. There is so much joy if you look hard enough, I challenge you my readers to document a joy each day or maybe a smile each day. Write it down, blog it, mental note it, but do something to remind yourself that there is good to be found. Honestly, it has been changing my perspective on how I look at life. There is always good even in the bad, it all depends on how you look at it. I wish you a great day and thanks for following this journey with me. I'm far from done and honestly I'm probably just getting started. 

Birthday Bash

This year's birthday was one for the books. I am overwhelmed by the complete and unconditional love from my friends out here in Alaska, back home, and the ones all over the world. There are so many people that I don't even think I could start thanking you all individually. All I can say is you know who you are and I cannot thank you enough for everything you have done for me, for how well you loved on me, all the gifts, notes, and encouragement, thank you for being apart of the body and loving me.

Let me just backup and recap a little bit from this past week. For about 5 days straight I was having some of the roughest days. I was feeling emotionally, physically, mentally, and spirtually drained. I felt unlovable, unknown, unheard, and partly uncared for. No one did anything to make me feel this way but I sure started to believe these thoughts. The biggest struggle I was facing was the fact that Kyle wouldn't be here for this big day...my birthday.

I hadn't thought about it much before but after talking with one if my friends, they helped me realize that this was the first year in over 3 yeas that Kyle wouldn't be around for my birthday. I have celebrated every birthday with having him in my life and it all started 3 years ago when he came to a surprise pizza birthday party for me. I remember how special I felt that Kyle would come to some social event, especially for me, but there he was. I am pretty sure he heard the word pizza and signed right up. Haha in all seriousness, it means the world to me know that he was there to celebrate at least one birthday in my life with me. I'm pretty sure that is the same year we went boating together. ;) either way that birthday month had Kyle in it. Now looking back he was apart of every birthday month each year since I met him. He made it a point to text, call, or see me. I just would love to have known what plan he would have concocted for me this year.

Alright, so this year's birthday month, week, day, what have you...yes I love celebrating my birthday. This birthday was better than I could have ever expected. I give so much credit to my friends out here in Port Alsworth for being sneaky and hiding everything so well. Asha, my roommate of 4 years took it into her own hands to make this birthday a special one. She knows me extremely well and she felt that she wanted to do something to make this birthday like no other birthday I have had before and especially focus on loving me well. She has seem the ups and downs over the past 5 months and she sees the gaping hole that Kyle has left in my life. Well, goal accomplished Asha. Your kind heart and fun ideas had me lavished in love all day long. I just want you to know that everything you did and do for me does not go unnoticed. You care for me so well and I am thankful to call you my friend.

Now she could not have pulled this off by her lonesome, she had so many people involved that I can't even name them all. So I say thank oh so much to all of you. Thank you for your time, prayers, contributions, thoughtfulness, kindness, lovingness, and all around love for me on this tough yet special day. All the people who knew that one thing that would make my day that much better, you are incredible friends. The ones who woke up early, who were sneaking around my house at wee hours in the morning, the ones who bought, sent, or arranged flowers for me. Thank you to the ones who just spent time with me and loved on me. Your friendship is worth more than gold, as one of my friends puts it.

Today I woke up and the realization hit me that Kyle wasn't here. I wouldn't see a text from him or see his smiling face when I woke up. There would be no special planning on his part, no gift, no good morning kiss, no coffee talk, or breakfast in bed, there'd be nothing but me coming up with something fun to do. As I lay in bed the tears streams down my face as I was mad at myself for being sad on my birthday. However, that didn't stop me from being emotional, I still missed him and I still wanted him to be here to celebrate with me. After all it would have been our first celebration together as an engaged couple. I laid there for a bit but heard Asha moving around, getting ready, but I also heard another voice and a familiar ring tone to another friend's phone. That still was enough to get me out of bed though. I knew Asha wanted to have breakfast so I just waited a little bit until I was more awake and ready to engage in conversation. Finally, I started moving around and as soon as Asha heard me she ground coffee which meant breakfast was so happening this morning.

Upon opening my door, I found streamers hanging outside my door, Rachel you are a quiet decorator! I continued forward to see hanging balloons leading into our living room. I kept walking further to find 5 of my girlfriends hiding in the kitchen. I saw a flash of a child, one of my students and my friend's child, come bolting into our house, hug me, and then duck out. Well good morning to you too. First person to hug me on my birthday this morning....a student. Yes, This is my life right now and I love it. Shortly after that, I looked around my house to see flowers everywhere. Flowers in mason jars, vases, potters, and flowers on every surface you could find. You would have thought you walked into a flower shop displaying flowers for sale. I hugged all my friends and tried to start wrapping my brain around this wonderful breakfast/brunch surprise. My girlfriends had come up with this plan to be there for the morning of my birthday. Thank the Lord they were because I am afraid I might have moped around the house today and would have been bitter. The Lord totally knows what I need way before I even know what I need and I am so thankful for that.

I felt so cared and loved for because they took time out of their Saturday morning schedules to celebrate and love on me. #myfriendsareamazing They were afraid of waking me up during the set up process and of course, I didn't hear anything. So there we all were hugging, crying, sharing, eating, and celebrating life. Life that was given to me today. Life that I love because I am grateful to be alive. This seems to be a repeating pattern throughout this season in my life. I am just grateful for friends, family, and to have another day to be alive.

I think everyone now knows how much I loved potted flowers especially mums. Asha knew I was going to use mums for our wedding this July and so she wanted me to have them and remember such a sweet moment in my life that I'll never get to have. She also knows how much I love doughnuts, Mac and cheese, among other gifts she gave me. She totally outdid herself and I know Kyle would be so proud. My girlfriends brought me something that was meaningful between the two of us. My one friend Katie painted me a picture of Kyle flying his plane with a sweet note on the back. Another friend Anna, gave me a sweet gift of handmade soaps, scrubs, and a sweet note. Yet another friend  Katrina, brought me my favorite coffee, a sweet note, and of course a funny drawing. Rachel brought me some cosmetics in a cute bag with a sweet note as well. It is so not about the gifts, yet I greatly appreciate them all! Thank you ladies. It was all about the quality time today.

We had a massive breakfast of bacon, eggs, cinnamon rolls, banana pancakes, smoothies, and coffee. It was all laid out ready to get started as soon as I woke up. See these wonderful ladies were preparing this since 6am and quietly making our house look like a garden inside. We watched a chick flick and painted nails throughout the rest of the morning. Everyone eventually left and it was just Asha and me at that point. It was quiet and we watched another movie and just chatted about how all this party came about. She was so loving towards me and just felt this erge to make my day feel special.

I know that all my birthdays won't be like this but I knew this one was going to hurt just a bit more, and it did, but not as bad as I thought. Asha and I even did a spa like afternoon and just hung around, all the while it rained outside. It was a nice excuse to just stay in and do nothing. Throughout the rest of the day, friends dropped by, admired the flowers, gave me hugs, text me, called me, and loved on me. This is such a good point in my life to look back in years to come and see how the Lord uses the body to come along side each other and lay agendas aside and simply love. How marvelous is the love of Christ.

Asha told me that she wanted to make this birthday Kyle style and she totally did. Between trying to surprise me, flowers sent from a variety of people, and finishing it off with "camping." I just have to say why the flowers were so important. 1. Kyle and I both worked in a greenhouse  for 8. 2. Mums are one of my favorite flowers. 3. Those were going to be our wedding flowers this July. 4. Kyle bought me flowers almost every time he went to town.

We finished the evening off by having a large crab dinner with friends and then headed over to a cabin down by the mouth of the river. Anna and I spent the evening just chatting and getting to know each other more. We enjoyed the view of the lake, the sun kind of setting, and a "rousing" game of bananagrams. Asha ended up coming later and brought me my favorite type of cake. We finished the evening off all saying goodnight and our love yous. So I bit you a good day or goodnight, depending on when you read this, and I say yet again, thank you for all of your who came together to love me so well this birthday. I love you all dearly and am blessed by you more than you may ever know.

The Realizations

I am so broken, yet so loved. At times I feel as though I can't do all this, I feel like I say something I shouldn't have, or responded in a way that was less than appropriate, I realize I need to give myself grace. I fall to my knees and also realize how desperately I need the Lord. I have those moments more now than ever before where I just feel "off" as if I am not myself. I don't feel as though I am running at full capacity and that bothers me. I am seeing more of my weakness than ever before.

I find myself spinning my "wheels" because it doesn't make sense to me. I get frustrated that I don't have it together or that my grief hasn't taken a deeper level of healing. As I review this today I see that grief hits harder some times than other times. It might be a few days that I find the joy and enjoy the memories and other times I cry multiple times a day. I feel mind "fog." I cry out to the Lord, (as if my screaming and shouting is needed). I feel as though I am talking to myself sometimes and He really isn't answering my questions. I want to make sense of everything and at the same time I don't care to. I know that this may never make sense so I just keep processing all the while.

I find myself at crossroads. The road in front is labeled long, painful at times, life giving. To the right I see detour ahead, as if I should take the road that might be longer but less rocky in the beginning. To the left I see it marked with bright lights, fun adventures, distractions and yet another detour. The road behind me is marked dead end. I try each of these roads for a short while. Each day I walk them longer than other days. I run occasionally and sometimes even hitch a ride with someone else depending where they are headed and the road they have chosen.

This life, the daily, future plans, and everything going on are constantly moving forward. I drag my feet and put up a good fight sometimes, and yet every time I do I am brought back to my knees. I begin to realize how I don't have it all together, how broken I truly am, and how desperately I need the Lord each step of the way. The Lord has been gracious to me as I continue to pursue my masters degree, continue teaching, and finish this school year strong. I miss my biggest fan and supporter through all of this.

All I have left are the memories I try to recreate in my mind over and over again. I look at pictures and I can't explain the pain I feel. The feeling that he is no longer here. My heart hurts so badly and even though I know the Lord is working to pick up each piece, it doesn't change the fact that I still feel. I have been listening to a song called "Feel it All." I definitely try to do that but it wrecks me and most likely in a good way too.

Some of what I have written above is not all from today. It is a mixture of several entries over the past 5 months. Today I look back and realize quite a bit.

• He isn't coming home
• He always has and always with love me
• I thought I knew pain 
• I am loved by so many people around the world
• I am strong in my weakness

The Continual Journey

I can't get over the fact that Kyle loved me. It was beautiful, messy, fun, challenging, and everything I wanted in a "normal" relationship. I was fought for, waited for, and worth someones time. To some it looks like I was holding out on him, I was making him wait, or that I was just toying with him. Well, to anyone who actually knows me or knows us, there was way more to our relationship. We both agree that it was all timing. We discussed it after we started dating and we both decided that the time we began dating and planning our wedding was exactly the right time in our lives. I always knew I wanted him in my life, but I didn't know him and needed to get to know the person he was. I didn't even know what having him in my life looked like for the majority of our friendship. I had no plan to date Kyle; but I remember countless times of me pursuing our friendship, reaching out, loving on him, taking him dinners after big gatherings, such as Thanksgiving food from the Blom's 2 thanksgiving ago. This last Thanksgiving we went together to the Blom's. Our life had such positive and joyous moments that I'm not afraid to find that again, I'm just frustrated I have to start over and learn how to trust, and get to know someone that's not Kyle.

I want Kyle here to talk to about all this. I want to ask him his opinion on these new choices in my life, but that doesn't make sense because I wouldn't be asking for advice if that were the case. I'd be marrying him and figuring life out with him. I try to make sense of things and I cant, I try to put explanations to things and I can't. I simply keep coming back to the fact the Lord's will is bigger than my will or agenda. I think so often that I am in control. HA yeah right! 

Since the accident in December I feel as though I take a few steps in what I think is the right direction, head that way for a bit, and then realize that's not the way at all. I constantly pray for the Lord's will to be done in my life and over the past couple years I have requested that the Lord stretch my faith in a mighty and real way. Well......I think it has been happening and is now happening in a much bigger way than I could have ever imagined. Not having a future with Kyle and never seeing him again is a pretty big area for me to trust the Lord in. I'm not complaining about my cracked, broken, or shattered heart because it will be and is constantly being mended. If it weren't cracked and never felt pain or hurt, how could I ever love others with the capacity He has provided for me with? It is having a deeper understanding of what love looks like and how the Lord is equipping me to speak into the lives of those around me who are hurting and longing for answers.

 I'd be lying if I said it has been easy watching about 10 different friends of mine get engaged in the past 5 months. I am beyond excited that they get to share their lives with their loved ones. Sometimes I catch myself saying, "It just isn't fair." As that may be, I like where I am because it a continual learning process of what it looks like to be fully known and loved by the Lord in a real way. I look forward to seeing my friends get married and experience life together. I hope that they and everyone who is married cherishes the fact that somebody has chosen them and chooses to love them every single day. Love is a choice and it's not always an easy one. So for those of you who are struggling to choose love just remember that you are chosen every single day by the Lord who loves you and we need to reciprocate that to those who the Lord has allowed and put into our lives.

I sometimes notice that my ring catches my eye, it's pretty shiny. 😉 I stare and smile at it since it reminds me of not only him but of my family and his family that are no longer here. I have been told countless times, just wear it as long as you need or grieve it as long as I want. Well, the ring was going to be from a Kyle but there are 5 different people this ring has a story about. It is a symbol of how loved and cared for I am. I was going to to marry Kyle, I was his girl, but I'm not anymore because he isn't he here. Honestly, I'm single. Oh how those words are hard to read and type. Maybe if I had chosen to be single it would make it easier to swallow. Nope, because I have been in that situation too and the choice to leave someone was much harder because it was a choice made. Him being gone was not his choice. I know that he loved me and I can leave it a that.

It's hard to not compare. So and so has it way harder than me, so why should I even be grieving? So and so has been through so much, so I should just be okay and not feel pain at all. Oh look at how many people are coming along side that person. Look how people have taken care of this person. It gets so old and tiring to live life like this. Everybody has a different story that is unique and meaningful to them. We need to come along side of each other, meet them where they are, and love them in everything they are going through. This journey is not to get from point A to point B, its the everything in between. I'll leave you with this because it hit me so hard this past week.

"Therefore I tell you do not be anxious about your life." -Matthew 6:25

"Your life is in God's hands. You can't control how he blesses you, all you must know is that He will. You don't know how He will meet your needs; all you must know is that He will. You don't know how He is going to get you from where you are right now to where He wants you to be in life. All you must know is that you've prayed, and He's heard you. It is His timing, His plan, His perfect will that is in effect. When you stop trying to figure out how and when, you will be able to rest in His immense love and receive His grace that is appointed to you today. Anxiety builds in our hearts when we concern ourselves with things beyond our control. God's grace builds in our lives when we walk in what He has set in from to us today." 

What is He placing in front of you today? How will you respond?