Thursday, October 12, 2017

But Why?

The question word why is a one I hear on a regular basis. Being a teacher and asking/telling my students to do something, they ask me why? Sometimes I stop to explain the reason as to why but other times I use the famous line, "because I said so." It makes me think of my relationship with the Lord. He does not always tell me why even when I ask Him a million times. I ask my friends and family the same thing, but as frustrating as it is, they have no idea either.

This hits home today as I begin writing a new chapter in this "book" I am writing in this life. Hopefully, there will actually be a book one day that I actually sit down and write, but for now I continue blogging. As I sit in prayer and spend time with the Lord, the question "Why?" has been used countless times. It hit me again as I read through my Bible that was so graciously presented to me by my friends this December. For those of you who don't know what I am talking about, Kyle and I decided that we wanted to have a Bible that people could write in as a our guest book at our wedding. So my friends bought me one and set it up at his celebration of life here in Port Alsworth. People could highlight a verse or share a word of wisdom encouragment. I look forward to filling it up more and more as time goes on and the Lord continues to reveal His truth, mercy, and grace in my life through others.

So as I flipped through it today, I came across what my big brother wrote to me. "I don't know why" are within the first several words. Ben had written by the story of Job and this particular chapter resonates very deeply with me. Chapter 42- "Then Job replied, "I know you can do anything, and no one can stop you. You asked, "Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?" It is I and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me. You said, "Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them." I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance." Job recognized that undeniable sovereignty that the Lord has. 

In the devotional next to chapter 42, it discusses that questioning is not necessarily a bad thing, rather asking the Lord what is going on to say that curiosity should not cause doubt in the Lord. "Walking by faith means walking wherever the Lord leads you." Sometimes that means it might feel uncomfortable, hard, discouraging, challenging, frustrating, amazing, joyous, peaceful, rewarding, or even encouraging. It goes back to a phrase I love to use, "We don't need to know what the future holds, as long as we know the One who holds the future."

So as the 7th this month approached, I lived life as full as I could. I didn't give up when it felt hard. I didn't just hide away from the world this time. I embraced it head on and month 9 was unbearably hard. That will be for another blog. I felt as if I was grasping at something just hold onto. If we go back to the sea analogy, I was in the middle of the storm and I felt less than calm. Or we could pick the working out analogy where you are trying to do push ups and your arms are shaking to get just ONE more. You feel as though you want to give up and you realize you are digging deep. You do it, you have been doing it, you are going to continue doing it. That is totally me. A friend and I were talking and as I looked at them, I said, "I can't do this!" They said, "Abbey, you are doing this." Oh yeah, don't we all kind of need to be reminded that we are doing the "hard" and "tough" on a daily basis?

Over these past 10 months, I have been saying how much I want to sleep at the cabin but I just don't know if that would be a good thing to do or not. Finally, Asha asked me if I was going to go through with it. At 11pm we packed up everything we needed and drove over.
With much laughter and preperation, we made ourselves cozy in the cabin. I started and tended the fire, we did a foot soak, discussed fond memories of Kyle, and prayed together. I recently have been told that it is just a cabin, yes, I know. It isn't so much about the cabin as it is me processing through lost hope of being able to live there as Kyle`s wife. I understand that the cabin will not always be a part of my life and thats okay, just as long as I have been able to process through the emotions and feelings I have had. I am just processing through letting go, yet cherish it all. I understand that my life will have new beginnings. I see myself finding a lovely and cute home. It will not be the same as how I pictured it before. I will keep on learning, loving, and growing. Kyle, is NOT my life, becuase in Colossians 3:4-"Christ is your life" so anytime I say that something is MY life, then I am mistaken. My job, traveling, being liked, sports, whatever fills the blank is NOT my life.

I keep coming back to the phrase OPEN HANDS AND A WILLING HEART. That is a challenging prayer to pray as I am not sure what that will bring about in my life. The last 10 months has been extremely quick, hard, slow, and yet unbelievable real. I have been working through the aspects of grieving, being present, yet continually moving forward. So when you feel like giving up and keep saying, "I can`t" just remember that you are.