"My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. If the scar is so deep, so was the love." -beautythings
How do you go about daily life without constantly falling apart? People say that time heals the wounds. Well this wound may heal but I NEVER want to NOT feel the PAIN or cry the TEARS when it hits. I want to remember who I loved so deeply and never forget how our beautiful mess helped shape me to be the woman I am today.
I ask questions suchs as: Are the waves getting farther and farther apart? Am I healing and moving on? Am I just doing the daily life to try to make sense of what is left? Am I just being selfish becuase he is constantly on my mind? Am I just having a hard time letting go?
On the opposite side of it all I tell myself phrases suchs as: Other people have it WAY harder than you. You aren't healing. You should be happier than you are. You are just having a bad attitude. People don't want to keep hearing the same story over and over again.
Well lies come and they go and guess what? Lies come back again and again. So what you going to do about them? How do you take care of the lies that you are faced with? You find the TRUTH. You seek the Lord whole heartedly. You run into His loving arms.
I picture a child needing a hug from their earthly father. The child is crying in search of her daddy. She so desperately needs to be held. She sees him and runs into his big strong arms. She is safe for that moment. The world seems like less of a "bad" place. The same goes for our Heavenly Father. He so deeply wants us to know how loved we are. He wants us to run into His loving arms fully trusting in who He says He is. Yet, time and time again we try to face this whole world ALL on our OWN. Why? Is it worth it?
I do not feel like I am who I used to be when Kyle was here. He brought the best out in me, you couldn't wipe the smile off my face nor his. Now it feels challenging to smile and find the joy each day. All the grief, all the pain, all the hurt, all the tears, everything involved in this healing process is always right there on the front door step waiting to come in.
If you have read any of my other blogs, then you know that I have been working on being transparent. Some people may think it is ridiculous that I put my life out here for others to read. Do not worry, I don't share EVERYTHING. I share what I feel the Lord has laid upon my heart.
So this week, I know that there was definitely a spiritual battle going on around me. I didn't see it until I was talking to a friend this weekend. I had no idea why I felt the way I did. I just thought life had caught up with me and I didn't know how to process it all. SERIOUSLY people there is a spiritual war waging around us. We are not exempt just because we are doing the hard. Just because I am grieving and have lost so much in the past 11 months, there is still an enemy just waiting to take me down. Honestly, sometimes I go down without a fight, other times, I use everything I have to stand up against him in order to not get beaten down. I NEED friends to come along side me and help pick up the pieces. I NEED to let others in. I am thankful I have friends who will do the HARD with me. The friends who are willing to GET IN my boat and not leave me stranded.
Now looking back at how I felt, as if I was being attacked by lie after lie, I realize there was more of a distraction. I was so distracted that I was NOT able to pour into others, let alone be around people. I struggle with being NOT KNOWN. Kyle was amazing at knowing exactly what I needed when I needed it. Whether it be a hug, food, a listening ear, constructive criticism, he just knew. That is COMPLETELY gone. I have friends who "get" me and that is so helpful but none of them are Kyle. If you have ever loved someone so incredibly much, had a great relationship with them, and continually sought after Christ, and then all of a sudden it was completely striped away then you can understand how I feel. If you have not I pray you never feel the pain and lost hope I face every single day. Within the first 30 minutes of my day, I have 1 of 3 thoughts. 1. Kyle should be next to me. 2. My best friend is dead. 3. Kyle is never coming back. Any or all 3 thoughts run through my head every single morning.
Now here's the thing, though I recognize the war, I know where my thoughts are originating from, I am doing the hard. I just need to share, maybe for myself or for someone out there needs to read this. I don't really know but for those of you who read this, there is HOPE.
John Piper said, "Occasionally, weep deeply over the life that you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life that he has given you." "The Bible gives us permission to weep deeply over the life we hoped we would have, and to not feel ashamed of that hope or disappointment. It is okay to grieve those losses and feel that pain." -The Hidden Grief of Singleness Sometimes people sum up how I feel way better than I ever could.
LIFE IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR!!! YOU ARE DOING THE HARD!!!