So how do you be transparent yet keep mentally sane and not come completely undone every time someone genuinely wants to know how you are doing? Well it probably looks different for everyone. Isn't that just nice? It's like grieving. There is no book that can tell you exactly what it looks like. People can tell you how they have done it or faced it but each situation and person is completely different. It is kind of nice that no one can hold you to a specific standard. But in response to the infamous question, it's worth letting people into your boat and sharing with them. We are all facing some sort of giant in our lives. Why not let safe people in? Why not find someone to help you face yours?
We are not required to do this life alone. We have people around us who care and love. It might not always look like what YOU WANT but it might just be what YOU NEED. I know there are days where I can't face them alone. There aren't specific memories or reminders that "hit" me, it just depends on everything going on. For instance this weekend there were so many "triggers" that just kept building up. It can range from a familiar smell that reminds me of him or a song that I hear. It could be a friendly conversation between friends that reminds me of what is "missing" in my life. It might even look like me missing the support and encouragement that he provided on a daily basis. Or the biggest one, that I just miss his hugs and daily presence. So as I keep on "doing" each day, I am reminded that I am NOT alone. I tell myself that it is okay to NOT be okay.
So the moments I stand in my kitchen and it just hits me, he won't be coming over today. I see pictures of him and the tears can't be held back. They begin to roll down my face and all I want to do is hide my emotions. As my roommate, Asha, works on jewelry in the kitchen, she looks at me and sees how much I am hurting. Normally, I would go hide in my room and just cry alone but today I knew I had to be transparent. I needed to be honest with where I am at in life. I can't hide it anymore. I NEED to let her in. It's the constant reminder that I never got to marry him and NEVER will. NEVER is an absolute. Sometimes I don't know what to do with that. I'll NEVER see him again. I'll NEVER hold his hand again. I'll NEVER pray with him again. I understand there is plenty going for me. I know how much the Lord has provided in and for my life. I am truly blessed and fully loved. I get that, but it does not negate my feelings I have for Kyle. She listens, hugs, and reminds me that it is okay to not be okay.
I have flashbacks to fond memories and stories of him and I together. I share them over and over again because that is when I am truly smiling. Every time I talk about him, it brings a smile to my face and I light up. For instance, August 5th, 2016-Kyle called me from the sat phone at 1 am. It had only been a day but it hit me for how much I miss him. Not like when I was dating before, as in I needed or was obsessed, with Kyle. I just want to be around him and love him. I want this same desire for Kyle but for the Lord. I cried that night because I was SO happy and surprised. He couldn't get out to fly because the weather was so crappy so he called me. I was beyond happy. When I was praying that day, I asked the Lord to just allow him to call so I could hear from him. The later it got the more I realized that it wasn't going to happen but of course he surprised me. Kyle could bring a smile to my face just by being present in my life. It was only a call and it brought so much comfort, joy, and happiness. I love that man so incredibly much and I am not ashamed to tell ya'll!
I continually see how the Lord is working at just the right moment in my life. I see how my heart is being softened and more willing to share where I am at in life. It comes down to learning how to trust again. Trust others with my very tender heart that has not even come to close to be fully healed. It is a daily process. Some lyrics come to mind that sum up where I want to be in life, "This is my story, this is my song. Praising my Savior all the day long." Though I may not feel like this every day, I am reminded that my grandmother used to love this song and make these words evident in her life. I am thankful Kyle is able to meet her in heaven. Both of them faced hardships understanding what it looked like to hold on to their Savior. They loved so well. My grandmother was tough and a no nonsense type of woman and I can't help but think that I am so similar to her. I remember words of wisdom she shared with me over the years, the example she had in my life. I miss her as well but am thankful for the memories I have with her. Though people pass from this earth, memories remain. The pain slowly disappears into pieces of thoughts and fond memories. You remember the good and block out the negative. You speak of them because you never want to forget.
In one of my books today's reading referenced
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, becuase you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God., who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable. Believers in humble circumstances out to take pride in their position. But the rich should take pride in their humiliation since they will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business. Blessed is the one who persevers under trial becuase, having stood the test, that person will recieve the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. Don't be deceived, my hear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does NOT change life shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be kind of first-fruits of all He created."